.Beware of the Armadillo…and other funny stuff

In my last post on Cognitive Dissonance, my very good friend “Cary” gave some suggestions on how to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses when they come to your door. They were so good I decide to include them in today’s post along with other “Witness” humor.

                      How to get rid of a Jehovah’s Witness:

·         When they ask, “Can I talk to you about God?” Reply, “Sure, what would you like to know?”

·         Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, “I’m sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We’re not done with the virgin yet.”

·         Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say ‘Allah be Praised!

·         Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.

·         Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

·         Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, “er, I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country

·         A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of “The Watchtower” scattered around…

·         Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?” This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to leave.

·         Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty-two children. Tell them you have a pet bear you’d like to show them.

·         Invite them in to see your fine collection of dinosaur fossils.

I found a few others, written around the Jeff Foxworthy type theme, “You might be a Jehovah’s Witness if…………” Some of these will be more appreciated by those with Witness experience, but for the most part, they’re a hoot.

·        If you see no problem with arguing that a loving god would never create a hell, while at the same time promoting the idea that this same god is about to kill all non-JW human beings in an earth wide carnage in a fair judgment, you are a JW.

·        If you believe that it is an example of love and kindness to visit with your grandchildren while forcing your ex-JW daughter to sit in the car outside, you might be a JW.

·        If you think passively taking in repetitious brainwashing at several meetings a week is a delightful spiritual experience, you might be a JW.

·        If you cannot imagine that people are capable of ethical and loving behavior outside of complete social control, you may be a JW.

·        If you feel that it is ethical behavior to shun (rather than counsel) people in your religious group who have committed a sin, you may be a JW.

·        If you allow a corporation to take the place of God, you may be a JW – or you may just be an American making an offering to the real religion of the majority – money.

·        If you think the spiritual center of God’s Kingdom is in New York City, you are either a stockbroker or a JW.

·        If you have ever reported a spouse to the elders for requesting oral sex, you are probably a JW.

·        If you feel guilty for having a friend or two outside the membership, you might be a JW.

·        If you think it’s an act of unfaithfulness to God to get an education or a decent job, you might be a JW.

·        If you feel you have a great wealth of Bible knowledge – despite never having gone to school beyond 12th grade and/or never having read any biblical scholarship – you might be a JW.

·        If you think the name “Jehovah” appeared in the original writings of the Greek Scriptures, you are a JW.

·        If you believe that only anonymous and somewhat secretive organizers in Brooklyn can dictate which bible texts are to be interpreted literally and which symbolically, you are a JW.

·        If you believe that there is only one correct interpretation of a biblical text, you are a poor reader, a fundamentalist, and possibly a JW.

·        If a biblical statement outright disagrees with what is taught in the Watchtower – but you believe the Watchtower is correct, you are most probably a JW.

·        If you consider cleaning up a messy backyard to be practice for working in the “New System of Things on Paradise Earth”, you are a JW (especially if you routinely think in capital letters).

·        If you think demons choose to reside in jewelry, furniture, china, books or blue smurfs, you might be a JW.

·        If you feel that death is much more important than birth, you might be a JW.

·        If you think that all men with facial hair are unacceptable, you might be a JW.

·        If you think that Overseers (district or circuit) do not receive a salary, you are a JW.

·        If your reaction to someone wearing a cross is the same as a vampire’s, you might be a JW.

·        If you think JW’s are not an authoritarian cult, you are probably a JW.

·        If you think the Watchtower is not a brainwashing tool, you may be a JW.

·        If you think field service does not involve agriculture, you might be a JW.

·        If you think elders can be 30 years old, you might be a JW.

·        If you can imagine newspaper headlines that read “All humans on earth except JWs are destroyed!” with joy in your heart, you’d be a JW.

·        If you have constant pain in your right shoulder and can’t unclasp your right hand, you probably have “bookbagitis” – making you a student or a JW, but probably not both.

·        If you can’t have a conversation with another human being without saying “Jehovah,” you are a JW.

·        If you are a male and your first reaction to a brief interruption of a meeting – by the entrance of a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt – is “how immodest that sister is,” then you are a JW or Gay.

·        If you eat turkey on Thanksgiving, have the whole family over for dinner and feel guilty about it but insist that it is only because “everyone had the day off” and “turkeys were on sale,” you are a JW  denial.

·        If you wrap presents in brown paper to give each other on “Family Gift Day,” you are a JW with too many “worldly associations.”

·        If you have awful dreams about getting caught holding someone else’s cigarette and no one will believe you that it’s not yours, you’re probably a JW.

·        If you can’t buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking down residential streets in 95 degree heat, then you may be a JW.

·        If you are a woman who just bought a dress that comes down to your mid-calf, has puffy sleeves, a collar that button to your chin and lace trim, then you are a JW with a part at the next Assembly.

·        If you have a child that is 3 years old that sits quietly for hours at a time while adults discuss mind-numbingly boring topics around him, you have broken your child’s spirit and you might be a Jehovah’s Witness. The Child, however is either dreaming of the day he can leave home or plotting to smother you in your sleep.

·        If you believe that God ignored everyone for nearly 2,000 years, and then suddenly gave His truth to a man who sat around drawing pictures, “selling miracle wheat” and studying plans of pyramids trying to show how they fit into Bible prophesy, you must be a JW.

·        If you think that all R-rated movies are too worldly and corrupting for grown adults to watch, but Bible stories featuring murder, rape, adultery, incest and the gruesome death, described in vivid detail, of the unfaithful are spiritually upbuilding, you might be a JW…or another type of Christian asshole.

·        If you can’t pick up anything to read without also picking up something to underline or highlight with, you might be a JW.

·        If you insist on calling the New Testament the Greek Scriptures, you might be a JW.

·        If – when you drive by a church or synagogue or mosque or temple – you suddenly feel smug and superior, you might be a JW.

·        If – when you drive by a Kingdom Hall – you suddenly feel all warm and fuzzy, you might be a JW.

·        If you’re sure your neighbors are all conspiring against you, you might be a JW. It’s likely they are, by the way.

·        If you’ve spent days at a baseball stadium and never saw a ball or drank a beer, you might be a JW.

·        If you’re always afraid someone might see and hear you when you’re finally just being “normal”, you might be a JW.

·        If most of the songs you sing have numbers for titles, you might be a JW.

·        If most of your friends are referred to with the title “brother” or “sister” you might be a JW. If most of your co workers refer to you as a “religious nut case”, you might be a JW

·        If you’ve never watched “Friends” or “Seinfeld,” you might be a JW.

·        If your church is a “hall”, a sermon is a “public talk” and to own a 2 door car is a sin, you might be a JW.

·        If you wash cars, repair refrigerators, install flooring, or clean houses for a living – but still own at least five suits or dresses, you might be a JW.

·        If you can have a Bible study without a Bible, you might be a JW.

·        If you’re 25 years old, have never kissed anyone but your mom and spend your days in cars with old ladies knocking on doors, you might be a JW. And, yes those in the Congregation are more convinced everyday that you’re Gay. And you probably are.

·        If your 19 have been married two years, have two kids and no education and you married young because “pre marital sex” is wrong and you were just plain horny, you might be a JW.

·        If you’re 45, married to a woman since you were 19, hate her guts, but don’t want to leave her because you’ll be shunned by friends and family, you might be a JW.

·        If you a fat, middle aged woman, who has long since let her looks go and lost all her sex appeal to her husband, but figures you’ve got your hooks in him because he doesn’t want to be shunned by friends and family, you might be a JW. You might want to rethink your position. That often does not work.

• If you are a fat, unactractive, divorced woman who’s ex-JW’s husband left you for another woman becasue the above stratagey didn’t work, you’re likely still a JW, hanging on by the skin of your teeth.
• If you are the above mentioned ex wife, you are the most pathetic type of JW. You now realize the “spiritual paradise” described in the literature is only for the beautiful people. That would not be you. You get little if any help from your “Brothers and Sisters”. But, your still a pathetic JW.

·        If you go to New York for the weekend and spend a whole day in a publishing factory in Brooklyn, you might be a JW.

·        If the words “New Light” do not remind you of the hardware section at K-Mart, you might be a JW.

·        If you think morning coffee break is a perfect time to witness to someone, you may be a JW.

·        If, because of its pagan roots, you have never had a Christmas tree, you might possibly be a JW.

·        If you accept the “Christmas Bonus” you’re boss hands out each year, reasoning that it’s really a year end bonus and you deserve it, even though it’s on a check with Santa Clause on it, you might be a hypocritical JW.

·        If you check the Watchtower Index every time you have a question about anything, you have to be a JW.

·        If you find out that your co-worker’s mother died, and your first thought is that it’s a great opportunity to talk about the Kingdom… you might be a JW.

·        If the thought of entering a Christian bookstore sends shivers up and down your spine, you might be a JW.

·        If going to gas station convenience store feels like recess, you might be a JW in field service.

·        If you have no construction skills and you still go to all the nearby quick-build Kingdom Hall projects, you might be a JW trying to get out of field service. You can always direct traffic “for Jehovah”

·        If you fully expect never to give or receive a present in December, (shh, except in secret, when you can get away with it)  you are probably a JW.

·        If you accept Christmas or Birthday presents anyway, when no JW’s are looking, you are probably a JW

·        If you eat Birthday Cake because the Apostle Paul, referring to eating food sacrificed to idols as a “conscience matter”, you are without a doubt a JW

·        If you think the term “pioneer” refers to someone who works full-time (for free), you might be a JW.

·        If you think Santa is another word for Satan and the elves are demons, you are probably a JW.

·        If, as a teenager, you were actively discouraged from listening to contemporary music (whether country, folk, rock, heavy metal, disco, ethereal, punk, rap – or whatever), you might possibly be a JW (especially if you believe that KISS was an acronym for “Knights in Satan’s Service”).

·        If you see the title of “All Along the Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix and you feel spiritually refreshed, but afraid to listen to the song, you might be a JW.

·        If Gospel music makes you cringe, but Kingdom Songs make you feel good, you have to be a JW (and who else knows the Kingdom Songs?)

·        If the word “apostate” makes you shiver in terror, you might be a JW.

·        If you think 1914 is a significant year in an apocalyptic timeline, you might be a JW.

·        If you think (or used to think) that 1975 was a significant year in an apocalyptic timeline, you are probably a former JW.

·        If you think that no one took that year seriously and sold their houses, as a response to specific language in the Watchtower literature,  in anticipation of Armageddon coming in 1975, you are still a JW

·        If you think 1799 is the start of the last days, 1874 is when Christ returned, and 1914 is the conclusion of Armageddon, you might be a very old, disfellowshipped JW.

·         If you think that you, on your own, misinterpreted or imagined the year 1975 as the year the end would come and believe the following from The Watchtower, 7/15/76 Watchtower, pg440: “”It may be that some who have been serving God have planned their lives according to a mistaken view of just what was to happen on a certain date or in a certain year. They may have, for this reason, put off or neglected things that they otherwise would have cared for. But they have missed the point of the Bible’s warnings concerning the end of this system of things, thinking that Bible chronology reveals the specific date.”….than you are the perfect JW and should have many children.

·         If you believe you misunderstood all the Society said about 1975, thereby absorbing all responsibility away from the Watch Tower Society, you are a JW in good standing.

·         If you ignore or forcibly forget all you read published by the Society that 1975 was the year Armageddon would come, you are an exemplary JW and will be rewarded by being asked to work even harder for free.

·        If you believe that the local elders, who, by day, are a carpet layer, concrete worker and a guy who can’t work because of some unexplained “disability” are none the less capable, by Jehovah’s spirit to make decisions concerning complex psychological problems, simply by telling the suffering to “pray to Jehovah”, you are with out a doubt a JW.

·        If you believe, even after these people with severe “psychological problems” are disfellowshippoed because their problems did not go away, it was there fault because they did not take the Elder’s advice and “pray to Jehovah”, you are definitely a JW.

·        If your closet is full of polyester suits, you might be an aluminum-siding salesman and/or a JW, likely both

·        If you think that a door slamming shut is actually a form of persecution against the righteous, you might be a JW.

·        If you think the “New World Translation” is the least biased and most accurate translation of the Hebrew and Greek books known collectively as the Bible, even tough only one person on the five person translation committee had any college (2 years of classical Greek); you are most likely a JW.

·        If you think it takes two thousand years to collect a literal 144,000 true Christians, you are probably a JW (although if it were true that the number 144,000 was a literal number, there would certainly be room for argument).

·        If you think “The Finished Mystery” which was released in 1917 was “meat in due season”, you might be a JW (who has obviously never read the book).

·        If you think the organization was preaching the truth in the years 1914-1919, you are definitely a JW. However, if you preach today what they during those years, you will likely be a disfellowshipped JW.

·        If you believe that – mysteriously – there was a Governing Body before 1971, you are a JW.

·        If you justify watching the Jerry Springer show by saying that the people who pass the microphones remind you of a meeting, you might be a JW.

·        If you believe that New Light that becomes Old Light and then becomes New Light again is God’s way of doing things, you are a JW.

·        If you wonder why Judaism for centuries, never changed once God established it, and yet the “Truth” as revealed to the Watchtower Society changes frequently, you can only be a JW.

·        If the Watch Tower Society used to preach a certain teaching years ago and you deny they ever did, you are a good JW.

·        If you were taught for decades that “People who were only just old enough to understand what was happening to the world in 1914 are now approaching seventy years of age. Yes, the numbers of that generation are dwindling fast, but before they all pass away this system must meet its end in the war of Armageddon.” (Watchtower, 7/1/69 pg395.) and you still believe this you are not a JW.

·        If you believe that it is not longer true that “People who were only just old enough to understand what was happening to the world in 1914 are now approaching seventy years of age. Yes, the numbers of that generation are dwindling fast, but before they all pass away this system must meet its end in the war of Armageddon.” (Watchtower, 7/1/69 pg395) you are a good JW.

·        If you believe that the Watchtower Society has a new date in mind for Armageddon after changing the previous 6 dates or time periods, due to “new light” and now it has something to do with Noah, 120 years and 1914, and the Governing Body is now working out the details under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, you are a shit for brains, delusional JW

·        If you are aware that the Watchtower Society has been wrong 6 times on the date or time period in which Armageddon will come and still believe the following from The Watchtower 4/1/72, pages 197: “So, does Jehovah have a prophet to help them, to warn them of dangers and to declare things to come? These questions can be answered in the affirmative. Who is this prophet?…This “prophet” was not one man, but was a body of men and women. It was the small group of footstep followers of Jesus Christ, known at that time as International Bible Students. Today they are known as Jehovah’s Christian witnesses….Of course, it is easy to say that this group acts as a “prophet” of God. It is another thing to prove it.”

….You are a perfect little JW.

I had a lot of funny experiences in my decades of knocking on doors as a Jehovah’s Witness. As you may know, JW’s are all waiting for Armageddon to come.

Some years ago, a fellow Witnesses wife was having a Bible Study with a lady and asked him and me to go and talk to her husband. He had some questions on Armageddon and the end of the world. Of course being the good little, obedient soldiers that we were, we obliged.

Here’s this guy, at least 100 pounds overweight, half dressed, half asleep, holding a cigarette and a beer (it was about 10:00AM) sitting at his kitchen table, in a kitchen that was so filthy, I was on the verge of puking.

“So” he says, flicking his ashes into an empty beer cam, “When exactly is this Armadillo coming”

I almost lost it. The thought of a giant Armadillo, roaming the earth, licking up all the non-Witnesses with its humongous tongue, was in its own horrific way….well, hilarious.

But, hey it could happen!! It’s just as credible as any of this other religious bullshit.

 

Has God Already Decided That You Are Going to Die or Go To Hell?

From Genesis, Chapter 6, vs. 13 thru 22, American Standard Version:

 

“And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. ^6:14Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. ^6:15And this is how thou shalt make it: the length of the ark three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. ^6:16A light shalt thou make to the ark, and to a cubit shalt thou finish it upward; and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof; with lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. ^6:17And I, behold, I do bring the flood of waters upon this earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; everything that is in the earth shall die. ^6:18But I will establish my covenant with thee; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives with thee. ^6:19And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female. ^6:20Of the birds after their kind and of the cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the ground after its kind, two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive. ^6:21And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, and gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them. ^6:22Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.”

 

We all know the story of Noah and the Ark. God caused a great flood to occur, killing every one on earth while only Noah and his family survived, with two of every animal, seven of certain animals.

 

Interestingly, the Watchtower, 4/15/05, page 4 says this of Noah:

 

“According to the Bible, the Creator will soon transform the earth into a literal paradise, which will favor long life. Bringing about that Paradise will involve drastic action, similar to that of the Flood of Noah’s day. Matthew chapter 24, verses 37 to 39, shows that Jesus compared our time with “the days of Noah,” in which people “took no note” of their critical situation. They also ignored the message that Noah preached. Then came “the day that Noah entered into the ark” and the Flood destroyed all who had rejected this knowledge. Noah and those with him in the ark remained alive.”

 

 The Witnesses directly contradict the above Watchtower, as regards Noah preaching:

 

The “Insight on the Scriptures” Vol 2, page 674 quotes Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words says: “In I Pet. 3:19 the probable reference is, not to glad tidings (which there is no real evidence that Noah preached, nor is there evidence that the spirits of antediluvian people are actually ‘in prison’), but to the act of Christ after His resurrection in proclaiming His victory to fallen angelic spirits.” (1981, Vol. 3, p. 201)”

 

So did Noah preach a warning of the flood or not? Who knows?

 

The point here is that, early on, God gave Noah specific instructions on how to build the ark, how big it would be and what provisions to take on board.

 

God had already decided that only Noah and his family would survive the flood, and no on else. The plans he gave Noah had no room for anyone else. It’s likely that it took years to build the ark and yet the Bible indicates that Noah did not preach about the coming doom. Notwithstanding that the Witnesses say “Noah preached”, it would seem logical that of the thousands of people alive, surely some would noticed Noah building the Ark, asked him about it and wanted to join him.

 

The point, however is moot. God had already decided on the Arks dimensions, and thus it’s capacity to carry passengers. God had predestined the people of Noah’s day to die. He made no room for them on the Ark.

 

Sorry, no room for you. We only have so many suites. All booked.

 

This raises the obvious question, “Has God already decided who will go to heaven/live forever/whatever?”

 

He obviously did in Noah’s day.

 

Jehovah’s Witnessses Strike out 6 times, but go for a 7th!!

It is provable that the Watchtower Society, Jehovah’s Witnesses have made 6 separate and distinct predictions about when the world would end, when Armageddon would come:

  

1- 1914,

  

2 – the end of WW1,

  

3 – 1925,

 

 4 – 1975

 

5 – the end of the 20th century and

 

 6 – before the gen of 1914 died off.

 

 These were all wrong, and yet Witnesses simply brush them off.

  

The quotes below discuss each of the above dates or time periods. 

 

 1 – 1914 –  1902 -”In view of this strong Bible evidence concerning the Times of the Gentiles, we consider it an established truth that the final end of the kingdoms of this world, and the full establishment of the Kingdom of God, will be accomplished by the end of 1914.” (The Time is at Hand, 1902 edition, p. 99) Note: this same statement was contained in the 1908 edition of the same book.

 

 

2 – End of WW1: “The present great war in Europe is the beginning of the Armageddon of the Scriptures (Revelation 19:16-20). It will eventuate in the complete overthrow of all the systems of error which have so long oppressed the people of God and deluded the world”. (Pastor Russell’s Sermons, 1915, p. 676)
In the same year (1915),

 

3 – 1925 – “The period must end in 1925 . . . [This date] is definitely fixed in the Scriptures. Every thinking person can see that a great climax is at hand. The scriptures clearly indicate that the climax is the fall of Satan’s empire and the full establishment of the Messianic kingdom . . . Therefore, it can be confidently said at this time that millions now living will never die”. (Golden Age, January 4, 1922, p. 217)

 

4 – 1975 – Watchtower, October 15, 1969 pages 622 and 623:

 

 “More recently earnest researchers of the Holy Bible have made a recheck of its chronology. According to their calculations the six millenniums of mankind’s life on earth would end in the mid-seventies…. Would not, then, the end of six millenniums of mankind’s laborious enslavement under Satan the Devil be the fitting time for Jehovah God to usher in a Sabbath millennium for all his human creatures? Yes, indeed! And his King Jesus Christ will be Lord of that Sabbath.”

 

Notice the use of the definite article “the”. It would be “the fitting time”, not “a fitting time” not “an appropriate time” but “THE FITTING TIME”, to the exclusion of all other times. “Yes, Indeed! And his King Jesus Christ will be Lord of that Sabbath”. Not “might be”, not “could be”, but “WILL BE”. 

  

 

5 – End of the 20^th Century – Again in 1971, they said it would come in the 20th century:”Shortly, within our twentieth century, the “battle in the day of Jehovah” will begin”. From: The Nations Shall Know That I Am Jehovah – How? 1971 p. 216”

 

 

6 – Within the life span of the 1914 generation: Watchtower, 7/1/69 pg395:

 “People who were only just old enough to understand what was happening to the world in 1914 are now approaching seventy years of age. Yes, the numbers of that generation are dwindling fast, but before they all pass away this system must meet its end in the war of Armageddon.”

 

Of course, none of this happened. It’s even more bizarre in light of what the Watchtower 4/1/72, pages 197 says:

 

“So, does Jehovah have a prophet to help them, to warn them of dangers and to declare things to come? These questions can be answered in the affirmative. Who is this prophet?…This “prophet” was not one man, but was a body of men and women. It was the small group of footstep followers of Jesus Christ, known at that time as International Bible Students. Today they are known as Jehovah’s Christian witnesses….Of course, it is easy to say that this group acts as a “prophet” of God. It is another thing to prove it.”

 

Well, predicting events as “Jehovah’s prophet”, that do not happen is definitely proof of something, mainly that the Watchtower Society is full of shit.

 

How can you explain that the “prophet” was wrong 6 times?

  

You can’t. But to add insult to injury, we have a seventh date shaping up. Presently, the “new date” has something to do with Noah, 120 years and 1914, presenting the date of 2034 as “perhaps” of significance. If you add 120 years to 1941, you get 2034. I may be wrong on the specifics, but a “new” date is in the making.

 

Bet on it. 7 to 1, you’ll be right. Not the date, the fact that they will no doubt come up with a new date.

 

Like I have said, many time previously, if I was a Jehovah’s Witness right now, I wouldn’t believe a word they said.