A Big Baptist Brawl in Florida!!!

This is some funny shit!!

TURMOIL AT FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH OF OCALA (Florida)

Associate Pastors Fired

The six assistants had criticized the substance and style of Pastor Mark Cummins’ leadership

“The entrance to First Baptist Church of Ocala is lit by a ray of sunshine on Monday. The sunny day stood in dark contrast to the clouds of uncertainty that hung over the church after a tumultous Sunday service that left its congregation divided.”

By Bill Thompson
Staff writer

Published: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 at 6:30 a.m.
Last Modified: Tuesday, November 11, 2008 at 5:51 a.m.

“OCALA – One year ago this month, Dr. Mark Cummins arrived in Ocala as the new pastor at one of the community’s largest churches.”

“Setting up shop at the First Baptist Church of Ocala after relocating from South Florida, Cummins took to his new role as spiritual and administrative head of his flock with the intensity, discipline and can-do attitude of a former U.S. Marine, which he was some 20 years ago.”

You can read the whole article here:

http://www.ocala.com/article/20081111/NEWS/811111000/1402/NEWS?Title=Associate_pastors_fired

More stuff from the article:

“But some top lieutenants at the church have taken exception not only to Cummins’ leadership style, which one church member likened to a dictatorship at one of Ocala’s most prominent Protestant houses of worship, but to the substance as well.”

“A brewing behind-the-scenes controversy at First Baptist quickly came to a public boil on Sunday, spilling over into the pews and, according to several church members, leaving its large congregation divided over their pastor and anxious about the church’s future – even though many of the rank and file remain in the dark about how it all came to be.”

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The root of the problem is that the membership does not know why the six associate pastors were fired. Some of these guys had been with the Church for many years. It seems that the six Associate Pastors didn’t like Cummins and subsequently wanted him gone, but he turned the tables on them and they got gone instead, to the dismay of many church members.

Subsequently, the Sunday morning worship service turned ugly and unruly, with shouts of “We want the truth” and “speak truth”. It was reported that many members surged in protest toward the stage, and there were unconfirmed reports of parishioners shouting “Cut his balls off”. 

It reminds me of the frequent brawls the Apostles had in the Bible over who would sit next to Jesus, who was Jesus “pet”, whose turn it was to have his feet washed by Jesus, important stuff like that.

I’m sure you remember, from the Gospel accounts that usually, after several rounds of sacramental wine, the brawl would start with someone randomly throwing a sandal at the guys who got to sit next to Jesus and before you knew it, it was a free for all. Usually, Judas, being the runt of the litter would end up in a headlock or someone would yell “pig pile”, and they all would pile on him. I think that was a factor in his ratting them out to the Po Po.

There was a theory that they would frequently give Judas wedgies. Bible scholars have since debunked that theory, proving that they actually didn’t wear underwear, making the mental vision of 12 brawling guys, wearing only tunics, just that much more disturbing.

There are no reports of sandal throwing or wedgies at Sundays brawl, though Bible scholars are still is disagreement over weather Southern Baptists wear underwear. There is a report that a choir member in the top row got a woman’s size seven black pump to the head, causing her to fall forward, sending choir members sprawling, like so many dominos.

There is also an unconfirmed report of someone getting on the stage and grabbing a guy by the organ. There were also rumors of a member getting beaned by a can of snuff and several “Bible and Hymnal” related injuries.

“It was a mess!” one parishioner is quoted as saying “Some crazy bitch hit me in the balls with her purse”

Pastor Cummins, being a retired Marine, is reportedly considering putting sharpshooters in the balcony, installing metal detectors and confiscating everyone’s shoes, Bibles, flammable liquids, small arms and anything that can be thrown,  at each service. Maybe the membership will think twice before messing with an ex-Marine.

One parishoner was over heard saying:”Now, you can’t even bring your six shooter to Church! Wecome to Obama’s America”

What the end result of all this will be is anyone’s guess. This same church split many years ago after their church burned down, with some wanting to rebuild on the same land and other wanting to build a new church in a different spot. I understand that the new church was built on the new land, but not before a series of similar brawls, drive by shootings and sandal attacks in the Mall.

It’s always fun to watch hypocrites act like real people. Christians are no different from anyone else, when they don’t get their way. What a great example of Christianity in action for anyone who may be contemplating joining the church or becoming a Baptist.

Although, there is another angle to this. If anyone at First Baptist has any marketing savvy, they will see an opportunity here. If you add an open bar, you could have Saturday night fight services! Hey, that would get me to church. I would think membership would soar.

“You mean you can fight and drink beer? Cool!!”

Besides, I’d love to give a Baptist one of my size 11’s upside the head.