Church Challenges It’s Married Parishioners To Have Sex 7 Days In A Row.

 

I was alerted to this story by a faithful reader, Don T. Cornholeme, Here’s the Story:

7 Days Of Sex Challenge

Layron Livingston, KLTV, Jacksonville, Florida

7 straight days of sex. That was the challenge Pastor Ed Young issued to all of the married couples at his Grapevine church. Too taboo, or right on time? Whatever your opinion, this conversation and tonight’s story is strictly for adults. KLTV 7’s Layron Livingston sat down with some local pastors to see if the message could make it’s way to your church’s pulpit.

“Everybody’s whining about the economy and about the world….let’s move from whining to whoopee!”

The message caught some members of Fellowship Church by surprise, and its perking the ears of East Texans.

“Between a married man and a married woman…the more, the better.”

Young says the challenge will help couples in his church focus on each other, reclaiming sex for married people.

“I think I’ll try it this evening!”

Reverend Jerome Milton says it’s about time.

“God’s Word has addressed it, we won’t preach it. This challenge sort of stirs all of us up to teach and to preach it, so that people can have a better understanding about it,” said Rev. Milton.

“And if we don’t address this, then I guarantee you, Desperate Housewives will!”

Minister Mark Edge says sex is in the Bible. So why not the church? In fact, he says last week’s sermon was about Christian sexuality.

“God’s Word is certainly not ashamed to talk about this. God’s Word understands. God understands that it is a very important part of our lives….we really should have been talking about this all along,” said Edge.

“I think the concept is awesome,”

Pastor Doug Clark agrees, but says it’s unrealistic to expect struggling relationships to simply get better with a week of sex. He says sex is more than just physical.

“There’s so much about connection, emotion stuff…there’s so much about value that’s being passed back and forth. If a wife doesn’t feel valued, or if a husband doesn’t feel love or respected, hey, there’s some issues that have to be dealt with,” said Clark.

Of course, you have to practice what you preach. Pastor Young says his membership includes him and his wife. They’ve also accepted the challenge.

Here’s the link.

http://www.kltv.com/global/story.asp?s=9366764

It’s about time church began to recognize and promote the importance of sex. The Bible does talk about it and it is one of my favorite past times, so I say go for it. But I think that Pastor Ed while meaning well, may have done more harm than good.

The Pastor leaves a lot of questions unanswered. Like what about gay couples and the unmarried, “undo-ables” in the flock? You know, the old skinny guy, with the wart on his chin whose breath smells like he’s been eating an ass sandwich? What of the frumpy, middle aged divorcee’ with three kids that no one would do on a bet? Or the old horny spinster? Can you have sex in the church balcony during the services without being seen? These are important questions that demand answers.

Actually, since I have no shame or taste, I do have some experience in doing an old horny spinster. I was 17 and I don’t know how old she was. She was borderline do-able, but she was kind enough to get me buzzed on peppermint schnapps first. When we got into bed, she asked me if I would mind if she called me Rupert.

I said I didn’t mind. “Is that the name of you’re late husband?” I asked.

“No” she replied, with a look of confusion, “Why would you think that?

Before I could reply, she was on me like stink on shit. Now, with this type of “woman”, you just have to be prepared for anything. In certain sexual encounters, having false teeth is a plus. However, not if they come out in your mouth, while kissing. For years after that I was obsessively compelled to check the teeth of every woman I dated.

While we were getting it one, she screamed out every name but Rupert. The names I recall were Sam, Orville, Percy, Woodrow, Elroy, Fritz, Mr. President, Nakita and Eleanor.

I was real curious about the last one and meant to ask about it, but I got distracted when she lost her false teeth again and we pulled the bed apart looking for them. She hopped out of bed and went into the bathroom to rinse them. That’s when I got a good look at her naked. It may not have been so bad, but the schnapps was wearing off, so in a moment that can only be described as panic coupled with an intense self loathing, I grabbed my clothes and bolted for the door.

I was constantly reminded about our encounter for a couple of weeks there after, by the smell of Ben-Gay and mothballs that had somehow, in that short time permeated my clothes and body. I threw away the clothes but no amount of showering seemed to diminish the smell. I felt like everywhere I went, when people got a sniff, they were thinking, “Dude did a spinster. What an asshole”.

Fortunately the smell went away before my “cleaning out the attic for my Mom” excuse ran out of steam.

But the real point here is, that Pastor Ed’s admonition to “have sex for 7 days”, may cause more harm than good.

 

Here’s Pastor Ed, giving his sermon and showing the congregation his dick, during the masturbation portion of the program.

Like I said, what about the unmarried and undo-ables? He has to get off this “sex/marriage” thing. I would form a committee and see if you could pair up the losers.

But I bet he created a real problem among the married couples too. Every married guy got a grin on his face, while every married woman was wishing the Pastor would shut the fuck up.

This scenario, no doubt repeated itself in many of the parishioners homes that evening:

“But, Charlotte, honey, you heard what the Pastor said!”

“Delroy, does the Pastor drink beer all afternoon on Sunday watching football in his underwear? I wouldn’t mind it so much if my parents weren’t here. Does the Pastor leave a partially disassembled automatic transmission from a 1971 Chevy on the kitchen table for months? Kind of puts a girl out of the mood”

“But Honey, it’s a classic!”

“Classic, my ass. Does the Pastor use his wife’s good china for skeet shooting?” Says Charlotte, hands on her hips.

“But Honey, you said the whole set was ruined after that cup broke, when I threw it at the dog”

“Do you ever buy me flowers? Do you ever take me out to dinner, and no I don’t count tailgating at a football game as being taken out to dinner. Do you ever say you love me?

Do you do show you care about me with anything a hug, a peck on the cheek or bathing more than once a week?” By now Charlotte’s lower lip is trembling and a tear runs down her cheek.

Delroy, “If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, why bathe everyday, when you’re only going to get dirty again? And what does love, flowers and going out to dinner have to do with this? The Pastor said we should have sex. You don’t want to displease Jesus, Charlotte”

With that, Charlotte, winds up and with a perfectly executed side arm pitch hits old Delroy square in the forehead with a porcelain gravy boat, the only piece of her good set of china that survived Delroy’s drunken skeet shooting spree.

So there are and will be all kinds of unknown repercussions from Pastor Ed’s sex challenge. I don’t think he really thought this one through.

There will likely be an uptick in emergency room visits as the “Delroys” of the Church require medical attention from all sorts of spouse inflicted wounds and from wart faced guys with their dicks stuck in vacuum cleaners. Domestic violence complaints will go up, as will the sale of wart remover, Ben Gay and batteries.

There is one thing that won’t happen. In the words of Pastor Doug Clark “If a wife doesn’t feel valued, or if a husband doesn’t feel love or respected, hey, there’s some issues that have to be dealt with.” Does Doug actually live in the real world and know any real people?

Love, respect, valued?? This is when religion really fucks up. They pump people’s heads full of this type of shit.

Sex is about draining the lizard and getting a good nights sleep. In the immortal words of Delroy, “And what does love, flowers and going out to dinner have to do with this? The Pastor said we should have sex. You don’t want to displease Jesus, Charlotte”

I’m sure Jesus is shaking his head, wondering as always, why God even bothered to create humans in the first place.

You may think I’m making this up, but I’m pretty sure that my experience with the spinster became an actual episode of Desperate Housewives. Except they changed it a little with Teri Hatcher playing the spinster and Brad Pitt played me. I could tell that it was adapted from my story, as they had a neighbor, Ben, who was gay.

I know for sure that an episode of CSI Miami was an adaptation of my spinster story. They evidence that hung the guy was the moth ball and Ben Gay residue in his underwear.

“I guess you could say we got him by the balls…” says Horatio, dramatically putting on his sun glasses”….moth balls!”