Mark Cummins, The Pastor of The First Baptist Church in Ocala, Florida Quits.

From the Ocala Star Banner, November 27, 2008:

Embattled minister quits post

http://www.ocala.com/article/20081127/ARTICLES/811271001

For more background, read my post “A Big Baptist Brawl in Florida!!!” on November 11th. But basically what happened is discontent with the new minister, Mark Cummins, erupted into a brawl and a shouting match during Sunday services on November 9th. I describe the scene in my Nov 11th post. It was not pretty.

As usual, in any controversy, no one has a clear picture of what happened, why or when. I think the “who” part is pretty clear. Pastor Mark got 6 associate Pastors fired and now, after stirring up all that shit is going to quit anyway….or is he??

This whole thing has split the church, which is no stranger to controversy as it recently split several years ago either over if “dwarf tossing ” was Christian or if they should rebuild their burned down church on the same property or buy a new, bigger piece of land and build a new and bigger church. I forget which but I think it was “where to build the new church” thing.

I think they still allow dwarf tossing, but just not in church. Bible scholars disagree on weather or not Jesus condoned or actually participated in dwarf tossing, but there is some compelling evidence he not only condoned it, but practiced it.

In Matthew 21:12 it says “Then Jesus went into the temple, threw out everyone who was selling and buying in the temple, and overturned the moneychangers’ tables and the chairs of those who sold doves.”

There were no doubt a number of dwarves that were “thrown” out by Jesus. Some Bible translations render the word here translated as “chairs” as “booster seat” and since children were not allowed in the temple, the logical conclusion would be that a number of the “thrown” out money changers were indeed short or dwarves.

There are other Bible accounts of “Dwarves” and Jesus. In Luke, Chapter 19:1 thru 4 it mentions one:

“And he entered and was passing through Jericho. And behold, a man called by name Zacchaeus; and he was a chief publican, and he was rich. And he sought to see Jesus who he was; and could not for the crowd, because he was little of stature (dwarf). And he ran on before, and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see him: for he was to pass that way.

The account shows how Jesus stayed at his house that night and after a few hits of sacramental wine, he and the Apostles tossed old Zacchaeus around until they all passed out.

So, while there is ample Biblical and historical evidence that “dwarf tossing” was indeed a practice of the early Christians and promoted by Christ himself, some modern day “Christians” think its wrong. These muddled brain, dip shits attempt to stop others from the legitimate practice of causing humiliation and pain to the weaker among us. Assholes.

But, hey Christians ignore other obvious Biblical facts. For example, a lot of “Christians” say it’s wrong to drink alcohol, even though Jesus himself is said in the Bible to have turned water into wine. Clearly, Jesus didn’t object to drinking alcohol.

“Oh, he didn’t make wine with alcohol. He made sweet wine, which is grape juice!” some namby-pamby, limp wristed Christian pussys will say, to which I reply, bullshit. Jesus was evidently a cool partier, who knew the difference between grape juice and wine. Some scholars say that the “wine” Jesus made was actually beer.

But when the candy ass, girly men, known collectively as the French got their turn at translating the Bible, they changed the beer to wine. Actually beer and wine are similar in that they are fermented plant stuff, beer being grain and “hops” (whatever the hell they are, but thank God for them) and wine being grapes.

So, the girly men, candy ass, French pussys changed “beer” to “wine” forever perverting Jesus words and giving us a whole different view of the Savior, from a beer drinking manly man to an effeminate, wine sipping, Brea nibbling, loving, kind, nice guy. Even faced with the account of JC kicking ass in the temple, throwing dwarves and all out on there ear, the Fench refused to change wine to beer.

Does kicking ass in the Temple sound like a wine drinker to you? So, afterwards, Jesus and the Apostles celebrated the temple ass whipping by hoisting a few Cabernet Sauvignons? Not hardly!

The sissy French also tried to change the Bible account that speaks of “manna” from heaven to “soufflés” from heaven but their plot was thwarted by the English, namely King James who told them to fuck off and wrote his own Bible, with absolutely no mention of “soufflés”. However, it is to be noted that he didn’t have the balls to change the wine thing back to the original “beer”. Asshole.

But, “what does this have to do with Pastor Mark and the First Baptist Church of Ocala, Florida” you might ask? Actually, nothing, but I never miss the opportunity to write about beer or piss on the French.

So, Mark is out…..or so it would seem. My sources tell me that the crafty old Marine has got a surprise for those dickheads who oppose him. A Marine doesn’t quit. It’s clearly a diversion.

Rumor has it that Mark has formed his loyalists into an elite fighting unit and is planning a frontal assault on the church, timed for exactly 20 minutes after the Sunday sermon begins, right when everyone is usually asleep.

He has been drilling them and drilling them hard in his secret base in the Ocala National Forest. There are numerous reports of gunfire, explosions and the hauntingly sound of hymns, late at night in one of the unexplored areas of the Forest.

Also, an assortment of people have been showing up at local hospitals with injuries that can only be explained by “intense military training”. Several elderly women have been admitted with injuries consistent with parachute jumping, although each insisted that there wounds were “knitting related”.

One old gentleman had swallowed his false teeth, which he claimed was caused by him being startled awake during an episode of “Dancing with the Stars”. However, doctors thought his condition was more consistent with hanging your head out the widow of a moving Humvee and smacking into a tree.

There was also a guy brought in with a bayonet stuck in his left ass cheek, but it was later determined that his wife did it when she found out he ate the last of the Cheeze Wiz.

These rumors have been taken seriously by the remaining Church members and they have erected barriers, dug tank traps and could be seen this week, fortifying their defensive positions.

When someone approached and asked what was going on,a stern looking guy in a green ball cap and mirrored sunglasses replied “landscaping”.

“That doesn’t look like landscaping to me” the curious passer by said, where upon he was tossed off the property and he wasn’t even a dwarf!

Something tells me that the conflict is not over between the Ocala Baptists and Pastor Mark. The situation is so serious that Dr. John Sullivan, a widely respected leader of the Florida Baptist Convention has agreed to mediate the dispute. Even with the threat of imminent military conflict, Sullivan still intends to visit the church on Sunday as planned.

Dr. Sullivan was unsuccessful in his last attempt to mediate differences between two Baptist Churches. You may recall the conflict in South Florida between The Hollywood First Baptist Church and the Gay Redeemer Baptist, of South Beach in Miami. The two congregations were at odds over the admission of gays to the Ministry and the disagreement erupted in to violence.

The Hollywood Baptists, en mass charged into the Gay Redeemer Church during services one Sunday, brandishing paint sprayers and spray painted everything and everyone pink.

A sobbing Pastor Hugh Jass, Pastor of GRB had to be taken to the hospital and sedated.

After the melee the membership decided that they liked everything pink, so they left it. Frustrated at their failed attempt to run the queer bastards out of town, the members of HFBC took a different tack and bought up the entire supply of Barbara Streisand, Village People and Queen CD’s in the area.

Unable to withstand what he called mean spirited, unchristian, cultural guerrilla warfare”, Pastor Jass and the other fags disbanded GRD. The guys at the HFBC celebrated by building a big bon fire and burning all that nauseating Streisand shit. They also reportedly tossed a few dwarves around.

“I swear” said one participant “you could see the image of Streisand, with horns screaming at us in the flames”

The situation in Ocala remains serious and many questions remain: Will Dr. Sullivan be able to stop full scale military action? Will Pastor Mark, the hard nose jarhead be able to whip his followers into an elite fighting force? Why didn’t the South Beach queers join the Methodists in the first place? They love fags.

Tense times in a tense little town in Florida.