Jehovah’s Witnesses and All Things Pagan.

 

It’s December, 2008 and it’s “that time of year”. Yes, it’s the Christmas season and time for the Jo Ho’s (Jehovah’s Witnesses) to begin the annual yada yada about “Christmas is pagan in Origin” and “Jesus wasn’t even born in December”. The simple response is “shut your fucking pie holes, who gives a shit!!”, but, other “Christians” get in the act and the Holiday Tradition begins anew as deranged Bible thumpers on many sides of this issue go back and forth about the birthday of a Jesus. They hurl scriptures at each other like so many holy hand grenades, all the while oblivious to the fact that there is no historical evidence Jesus was ever born.

So begins another big fight over when their imaginary friend was born, what he really meant when He wrote “My Big Book of Unsolvable and Improbable Cosmic Riddles”, aka, the Bible and who he likes best.

Being raised a Jo Ho, I didn’t celebrate Christmas until I was 50 and now I do only because my current wife does. I have no history with the holiday and do not believe in Jesus, so it has no significance for me. The truth be known, it’s a pain in the ass. Business stops from approx. Dec 15^th and resumes around Jan 5^th. Most none retail businesses anyway. But the bills don’t stop. So thank you, pagan assholes for giving us this special time of year, which causes financial pain, family feuds and physical pain in muscles you never knew you had, due to putting up all those damn decorations. Oh, and you have to take them down in January. 

It’s interesting to watch the Jo Ho’s get all paranoid and worked up about “things of pagan origin”. Now, they are factually correct. Most of the Christmas customs can be traced to either pagan customs or to religions the Jo Ho’s disagree with, which would be all other religions, but theirs.

However, if you dig deep enough, many customs and traditions that are common place today originated in pagan worship or were adopted by pagans.

For example, wedding and engagement rings. Some scholars believe it was originally an ancient Egyptian tradition symbolizing the eternal life. Today the circle is sacred to many people, representing that which has no beginning or end, except in case of divorce. To me and many others, it represents perpetual alimony.

It is actually said at Jo Ho weddings that the ring has no beginning and no end symbolizing something, what I don’t know, as the marriage bond terminates in death, according to the Jo Ho’s. But it is definitely pagan in origin.

The wedding ring cannot be found in the Old or New Testaments. There was no practice among early Christians to wear finger rings as a sign of marriage or an engagement.  Pope Gregory 1, aka “The Jeweler”, in 860AD decreed that as a required statement of nuptial intent, the groom to be had to give his intended an engagement ring. He further decreed the ring be of gold to signify financial sacrifice. And if you were a good Catholic and bought from his store, you got 10% off. Oh, and if you didn’t buy a ring and/or were a bad Catholic, he had you killed. The guy was a marketing genius! 

Opps! Jo Ho’s do what Pope Gregory decreed!! They buy engagement and wedding rings! A decree from the leader of a religion that isn’t them!! “Pagan origin, false religion…”

The ancient pagan Romans also the used engagement and wedding rings. Originally the ring was placed on the third finger of the left hand because of a superstitious belief that a vein from this finger runs directly to the heart. Wedding rings are still placed on the third finger of the left hand by the majority of wearers. 

The early Methodists in America, followed the teachings of John Wesley that wedding rings were pagan and should not be worn. Mennonites, early Baptist in America, The original Seventh Day Adventists, most of the holiness movements, including the more devout Apostolic Pentecostals rejected wedding rings as pagan. There was a time in America when the majority of Christians did not wear jewelry of any kind including earrings and wedding rings, until a lot of Pastors bought jewelry stores and than it was OK with God.

Cutting the cake together is also a potent symbolic act. As a form of the Great Rite (I don’t exactly know what that is, but it’s something really pagan), the cake represents the feminine traits of nurturing and life-giving while the knife symbolizes the male phallus or as it is commonly known, dick, pee pee, love pistol, wedding tackle, tally-whacker, twigs and berries, meat and two veg, trouser trout, love muscle, heat seeking moisture missle and my personal favorite, the moan inducing love rocket. The pagans thought that this practice boosts the fertility wishes and solidifies the joining together of male and female energies. 

They used a knife as a symbol of a dick. Dicks as a rule are not very sharp, thus while they have many uses, the average dick is not suitable for cutting a cake.  Although I do remember an incident involving cake frosting, licking and my dick, I wouldn’t want to try cutting a cake with it. Also, eating a cake that was cut by someone’s dick tends to put a damper on the joy of the occasion.

The wedding veil is also pagan in origin and was adopted by many cultures who each gave it some religious and/or Pagan significance. Although not directly involving dicks, the origin of the veil is no doubt repulsive and to the Jo Hos. 

Bon fires also have a pagan Druidic origin. Bon fires, originally “bone” fires, were used in their pagan ceremonies but did not directly involve dicks. 

Most of the names of the Months and Day are pagan in origin, for example January is taken from the Roman God Janus. Have you ever noticed that a lot of the statues of Roman gods are naked, showing their dicks?

So while Jo Ho’s and others decry you Pagan, counterfeit Christians for celebrating a Christmas, a holiday with pagan roots they themselves continue many pagan traditions. 

I can tell you that as a Jehovah’s Witness at Jo Ho weddings, I have personally seen and participated in buying engagement and wedding rings and placing them on the fourth finger of the left hand, cutting the wedding cake together and brides wearing veils. I might add that these events always ended badly for me, but that’s another story. 

Also, at Jo Ho gatherings there were bon fires and I frequently used the names of the Days and Months, a practice I continue to this day. 

There are many questions that demand answers! When does all this “Pagan origin” stuff stop? Why do Jehovah’s Witnesses and others avoid, some customs of Pagan origin and embrace others? If the cutting of the wedding cake and what it symbolizes is pagan to the extreme, with sexual overtones, why don’t Jo Ho’s stop doing that?? What other pagan customs involve dicks? 

Did you know Jo Ho’s do not toast, i.e. hold a glass of something up and clink everyone else’s glass in honor of someone or something? Why? 

Jo Hos: “It’s pagan! It’s Ok to cut a cake with a dick, but we will not emulate pagans and clink glasses!! 

Funny, at one Witness wedding, the head Elder, in front of about 200 people stood and proposed a toast with a glass of wine to the bride and groom. His wife had to pull him back down and tell him “we don’t do that” 

Watchtower 1/1/68. pg 31-32:

But is that all there is to “toasting”? Why do the toasters raise their glasses, or lift their mugs and clink them together? Is it in imitation of some custom? Note what The Encyclopædia Britannica, 11th Ed., Volume 13, page 121, says: 

“The custom of drinking ‘health’ to the living is most probably derived from the ancient religious rite of drinking to the gods and the dead. The Greeks and Romans at meals poured out libations to their gods, and at ceremonial banquets drank to them and to the dead.” Then, after showing how such pagan customs survived among Scandinavian and Teutonic peoples, this reference work adds: “Intimately associated with these quasi-sacrificial drinking customs must have been the drinking to the health of living men.” 

“When most people join in a “toast” they probably do not imagine that they might be copying the custom of lifting up a libation or liquid sacrifice to pagan gods, yet that could be so. Without question, a faithful Christian would not share in an actual pagan sacrifice, realizing that “you cannot be drinking the cup of Jehovah and the cup of demons.” (1 Cor. 10:21) A mature Christian would also avoid even imitating false religious rituals. This spiritually mature course would please Jehovah. Remember, God specifically warned the Israelites against copying religious practices of the pagan nations round about them.-Lev. 19:27; 21:5.” 

“If a Christian is going to make a request for divine blessing on another, then an appropriate way to do that is through heartfelt prayer to God, not by following traditions based on pagan worship that Jehovah abhors.” 

No, but he’ll cut a wedding cake with a knife symbolizes the male tally whacker! 

How many Jo Ho’s or other “Christians” would cut a wedding cake with a knife that symbolizes a dick? Hell, they do it all the time. Why? “When most people join in a “toast” they probably do not imagine that they might be copying the custom of lifting up a libation or liquid sacrifice to pagan gods, yet that could be so.” Same with the dick/knife thing, you boneheaded assholes!

People do not know, as the pagan symbolism has long ago been forgotten. Where do you draw the line as to what modern customs with their roots in paganism offend God and which do not? I would think the dick thing is a way bigger sin than the toast thing, but what do I know? 

Shit, I think the Jo Ho’s should cut a wedding cake on Christmas with a male phallus, while hoisting a beer in honor of all things phallic.

Does the general public know that many of the Christmas customs are pagan in origin? If they do it’s only because the Jo Ho’s pound on your door, unceasingly and tell you that among other loony stuff.

If the Witnesses are so all fired up about displeasing God by celebrating a holiday with pagan roots, than STOP DOING ALL THINGS WITH PAGAN ROOTS.

OK, Jesus wasn’t born on Dec 25th. So what! The shepherds were likely indoors hoisting a few, celebrating their dicks, while wearing wedding rings on the 4th finger of the left hand

The inescapable fact is that people normally do not associate Christmas with paganism. So, what is the big deal? And why don’t Jo Ho’s simply shut up about it?

A point to ponder. Jehovah’s Witness do not celebrate birthdays because both times when a birthday is celebrated in the Bible someone righteous gets killed. I forget her name and I’m not going to look it up, but one of the incidents was where this girl danced so good at the Kings Birthday party He promised her anything she wanted. At the urging of her mother, she asked for John the Baptist’s head on a plate.

I would have gone for the veal parmesan, but it was her choice

Another reason Jo Ho’s don’t celebrate birthdays is that Jesus said that the day of ones death was better than the day of ones birth, which I totally disagree with. Death has a way of screwing up your weekend. 

Unlike when your born and you get to lay around all the time, complain loudly at the slightest irritation, eat and poop. It’s like retirement.  Than in puberty, you discover your dick and quickly learn that it has other uses than cutting cakes. You get married, have kids, who as they go through the stages of growth, screw up you life in ways you can’t imagine, wrecking financial havoc on you every inch of the way. Than they discover their dicks. Which is cool for the boy kids, but when the girl kids discover the dicks of other boy kid’s, that’s when the trouble really starts. 

And the whole situation, your life deteriorates from there. Then you die and turn to poop. And they usually dress you up in a good suit, which you turn to poop in. Mmmm, maybe Jesus was right after all.

Back to the point. The Bible does not specifically forbid the celebration of birthdays. Also a lot of things happened when good guys got killed in the Bible. I mean, they were eating and dancing at John the Baptist’s demise. Using Jo Ho logic, you should quit eating and dancing.

They were probably doing things with dicks,  too.

But the Jo Ho’s basically pull the Birthday thing out of their asses and the imagined inference morph’s into “God does not want us to celebrate birthdays.” The birthday thing, at best is a stretch and again using Jo Ho reasoning, the cake/dick thing should be easy to see as a pagan practice to be abhorred. But, every Saturday, around the world hundreds or even thousands of Jo Ho couples get married, after buying engagement and wedding rings, than placing them each others fourth finger of the left hand, cutting the wedding cake together, with the dick-knife, all the while with the brides wearing veils.
Did you know Jo Ho’s don’t eat blood? But they are allowed to eat meat. That red stuff moving around in the package of steak at the supermarket ain’t tapioca. It is not possible to get all the blood out of meat, not matter how well you drain it. So, don’t eat meat.  But they do. “Those are the meat juices”, my mother would say.

Yea, and that was a cake knife you caught me playing with in the shower.

Consistency would go along way toward helping  Jo Ho credibility.