The Bible Lies

The Bible lies. On second thought, I don’t know if that is an accurate statement.

The Bible is a collective lie, if you define a lie as being untrue. However to say it proactively lies is another thing altogether. That statement implies a vast “biblical conspiracy”, which is possible, but unlikely.

There is an interesting book  The Passover Plot published in 1965 by British Biblical scholar Hugh J. Schonfield.  Schonfield  also published a translation of the New Testament informed with a Jewish perspective.

According to Schonfield’s analysis, the events of the Passover, which are presented in all the Gospels, but inconsistently, are most accurately presented in the Gospel of John. His reading of that Gospel convinced him that John’s account, though probably filtered through an assistant and transcription in John’s old age, suggests that Jesus had planned everything. Among other things, so that he would not be on the cross for more than a few hours before the Sabbath arrived when it was required by law that Jews be taken down, so that one of his supporters, who was on hand, would give him water (to quench his thirst) that was actually laced with a drug to make him unconscious, and so that Joseph of Arimathea, a well-connected supporter, would collect him off the cross while still alive (but appearing dead) so that he could be secretly nursed back to health. Schonfield suggests that the plan went awry because of a soldier’s actions with a spear. Schonfield gives evidence of a high ranking member of the Sanhedrin who was one of Jesus’ followers, likely the Beloved Disciple who is otherwise obscure, and notes several instances in which knowledge of or access to the Temple was available to one or more of Jesus’ followers. He identifies this follower as John, the source of the Gospel many decades later whilst living in Asia Minor. He suggests that this Apostle, and Joseph of Arimathea, were responsible for events following the Crucifixion, and that it might have been this Apostle (an ‘undercover Disciple’, as it were) who was seen (by those who did not know him) at the Tomb on the morning of the Resurrection.

Interesting stuff, to say the least. However, while certainly compelling, Schonfield’s book covers only a small part of the Bible, with its conspiracy theory.

There are so many other issues with the Bible that are improvable, illogical and down right loony.

So, better said the Bible is a book of myths, which are essentially…..well, lies.

Did God write the Bible? Unlikely. Did a group of men, throughout the ages, plan the Bible and write it to mislead mankind, or at least the Christian portion?

Who the hell knows? But that scenario is unlikely to the point of being preposterous .

Still and all, the Bible is bullshit. The Bible lies.

 

Jehovah’ Witnesses and the Year 1914

I had to be out of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for a while to realize how they have been really obsessed with dates. I was born a Witness, in 1951, and all during my life the Armageddon “Sword of Damocles”,  was hanging over my head.  This created such a sense of urgency, fear and expectation that it kept me up at night as a child. Couple that with the threat of the Russians and the Atomic Bomb, (yes, I remember the “Duck and Cover” movies in school) and I had some serious nightmares. Somehow I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that my school desk was an atomic bomb proof device and would shield me from temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun

But as my pre pubescent mind wrestled with all the images these “horrors” can conger up in the fertile mind of an imaginative third grader, apparently it had little real effect on me. I played baseball, hated school and watched TV. Oh, yes I forgot about the Witness part. I was forced to go to meetings on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday and my Father, Elder Hitler and mother, Sister Two Faced kept me on a tight leash and drilled “the truth” into me. I read the Bible everyday and all the other Jo Ho bullshit literature. I actually liked to read and I liked to read the Bible. Go figure.

For my entire life, the year 1914 was central to Jo Ho doctrine. The history if the derivation of that date is amusing if not downright loony.

In the late 1800’s, Charles Russell, the first Watchtower president, predicted first the year 1874 than the year 1914 as the year when Christ returned and Jesus kingdom would be established on earth.

Coincidentally, WW1 started in 1914, so the Jo Ho’s lay claim to predicting that, which they did not. What they actually predicted was Christ’s return and the restoration of His kingdom in 1914:

“”In view of this strong Bible evidence concerning the Times of the Gentiles, we consider it an established truth that the final end of the kingdoms of this world, and the full establishment of the Kingdom of God, will be accomplished by the end of 1914.”

From “The Time is at Hand”, 1902 edition, p. 99. This same statement was contained in the 1908 edition of the same book. I have a copy of the 1908 edition and it says exactly that.

If you look at Jo Ho publications prior to 1914 they focus on Jesus return, Armageddon, where God destroys the non believers and the reestablishment of God’s kingdom. After 1914, they crow about how they said it was a significant year, bending the facts a bit to taking credit for predicting WW1.

“We said that starting in 1914 the world would enter  period of great distress” they say, post 1914, to which I say bullshit. You assholes predicted the opposite, the end of the World and the reestablishment of Christ’s kingdom.

Incidentally, they first “predicted Christ would return in 1874 and then changed it. But back to 1914.

The incredible fact is that Russell actually used the dimensions of the Great Pyramid in Egypt to predict this date.  Russell was a Pyramidologist. Pyramidologists use elaborate measurements to discover hidden codes built into the halls, chambers, and dimensions of the Great Pyramid. They try to link measurement to events in Christianity in an attempt to prove that their idea of what the Bible said was literally true. Pyramidlolgy has historically been practiced by occultists, and misled Christians.

Russell did this. This is further acknowledged in The Watchtower 5/15/56, page 298

“Because none of these theories fully and satisfactorily explain the purpose of building the Great Pyramid, others have developed the hypothesis that it was built under divine inspiration; that perhaps Melchizedek was its builder and that God provided it as a witness in stone to corroborate the Bible. Such men as John Taylor of London, Professor Smyth and Dr. Edgar of Scotland advocated the theory* that the measurements of the Great Pyramid and particularly the measurements of its internal passageways and chambers, were full of Scriptural meaning.”

“Footnote: *Bible Students also held to this thought prior to 1928.”

There are in fact diagrams of the pyramids in Russell’s series of books entitled “Studies in the Scriptures” But in 1928, the new president, Whiskey Joe Rutherford began to distance himself from Russell and the pyramid thing, likely because it was just fucking loony. Like Rutherford and “Beth Salim” was not loony. Google “Beth Salim” for a laugh.

Because the year 1914 had become a center piece in what the Jehovah’s Witnesses taught something had to be done. So at some point, during Rutherford’s tenure, the basis of the year 1914 changed. It’s not clear exactly when.

 “Save 1914!!” was the Jo Ho battle cry. Of course, this was not made public, but I would imagine that there was some scrambling at the Watchtower headquarters.

The basic formula they derived starts with Jerusalem being destroyed in 607 BC, beginning the Gentile Times.  The “gentile times” or the time when God had no representative of his kingdom on earth would run for 2,520 years, from that year. 2,520 years brings us to 1914 (There is no zero year) when Jesus returned invisibly, to reestablish his kingdom in Heaven, soon to come to earth and establish his kingdom here.

How they derive the above is a convoluted, twisty-turney exercise is pounding the square peg in the round hole. Remember, with 1914 ALREADY established as a center piece in Jo Ho theology and Russell’s pyramidology thing looking loonier by the day, the Jo Ho’s needed to fix it and fix it quick.

So the above 1914 math. They gather tidbits from the all over the bible.

Here are some of the key points in Jo Ho “1914” math that make it the joke it is:

Jerusalem destroyed in 607 BC

Secular historians generally accept that Jerusalem as destroyed by the Babylonians in 586 or 587. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that it was. The only evidence that supports the 607 year is from the Bible. And it is not at all conclusive.

2,520 years, the Gentile Times:

The Jo Ho’s say that from 607 there were 2,520 years, called the Gentile Times, before God’s kingdom would be established. Just where do they get this little gem of wisdom, this part of the 1914 equation? From Daniel 7:25:

“And he will speak even words against the Most High, and he will harass continually the holy ones themselves of the Supreme One. And he will intend to change times and law, and they will be given into his hand for a time, and times and half a time”

So, “a time, and times and half a time” equals 3 and a half years. You have to assume that “times” equals 2 times. It just says “times”, plural. More than one. Bible scholars are all over the map on the meaning of this and the “Times of the Gentiles”. It could be 13 times. But for Jo Ho math to work it has to be two times.

Further, for Jo Ho math to work a “time” has to be a year. Again, there is nothing in the Bible that supports that.

A “Prophetic Year”

Perhaps one of the most preposterous elements of Jo Ho 1914 math is the “Prophetic Year”.

The Watchtower 2/1/85, page 11:

“Those Gentile Times were to be seven in number, each corresponding with a prophetic year of 360 days. On the basis of “a day for a year,” all “seven times” would total 2,520 years.”

So, while the rest of the world foolishly thinks of a year as 365 days, the Jo Ho “Prophetic Year” is 360 days. Nowhere in Jo Ho literature is there a logical argument for a “Prophetic Year” being 360 days. They just pull this out of their ass. 

Also, as a side point, they point to the many Bible passages where it mentions “a day for a year” in ref to some sort of prophesy, etc. There is not mention of the “day for a year” in connection with the Gentile Times.

In fact in Psalms 90:4 it says:  “⁴ For a thousand years are in your eyes but as yesterday when it is past,

And as a watch during the night.”

So, fit the above in you loony formula.

Further, the Bible has another time bending formula for you”

2:Peter 3:8 – 10:

⁸ However, let this one fact not be escaping YOUR notice, beloved ones, that one day is with Jehovah as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day. ⁹ Jehovah is not slow respecting his promise, as some people consider slowness, but he is patient with YOU because he does not desire any to be destroyed but desires all to attain to repentance. ¹⁰ Yet Jehovah’s day will come as a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a hissing noise, but the elements being intensely hot will be dissolved, and earth and the works in it will be discovered.

So, no where does the Bible say that a prophetic year is 360 days, but it does say that a thousand years is like a day.

Most of you are asleep by now, and I think I have made my point.

Jo Ho’s are date obsessed and twist the math to “prove” whatever they need to prove. They claim to have predicted things, likeWW1, when they didn’t and they predict things that never happen. They predict dates based on “voodoo”, those dates become central to their doctrine  and when it becomes apparent that the “voodoo” method is pretty week, they come up with a Bible formula.

Just when did the calculation shift from the measurements of the pyramids to the Bible “jump around” formula?

The real question is why do Jo Ho’s continue to buy the excuses from the Watchtower Society when their “prophesies” blow up in their face?

The square peg fits in the round hole if you hammer it enough.

Biblical Justice: Everybody must get stoned

This is a hilarious post from the Blog “Dwindling in Unbelief” by my cyber friend Steve Wells and reposted here with his permission.

His blog is a hoot and I would encourage all to visit . Here is the link:

 http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com

 (To the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Rainy Day Woman #12 & 35“)

Well, they’ll stone you if you touch the holy things.

Whosoever toucheth the mount shall be surely put to death. Exodus 19:13

They’ll stone you if you take accursed things.

Achan … took of the accursed thing. … And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. Joshua 7:1-26

They’ll stone you if you if you curse or blaspheme.

And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:16

They’ll stone you if you’re raped and do not scream.

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

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Well, they’ll stone you if you’re an ox and gore a human.

If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned. Exodus 21:28

They’ll stone you if you marry when not a virgin.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her … and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel’s virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel’s father shall say … these are the tokens of my daughter’s virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. … But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

They’ll stone you if you worship other gods.

If there be found among you … that … hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them … Then shalt thou … tone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers … thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:5-10

They’ll stone you if you disobey your Pa.

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother … Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city … And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 21:18-21

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

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They’ll stone you if you if you’re a wizard or a witch.

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

They’ll stone you if you give Molech your kids.

Whosoever … giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones. Leviticus 20:2

They’ll stone you if you if you’re a sabbath breaker.

They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. … And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones…. And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. Numbers 15:32-56

They’ll stone you if you curse the dictator.

Thou didst blaspheme God and the king. And then carry him out, and stone him, that he may die. 1 Kings 21:10

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

Kudos, Steve. This is some funny shit!!!

Jehovah’ Witnesses View The Watchtower as Their Final Authority

Let the Witnesses tell it from their own literature:

The Watchtower, 10/1/94, pg 8

“Even as Bible prophecy pointed forward to the Messiah, it also directs us to the close-knit body of anointed Christian Witnesses that now serve as the faithful and discreet slave. It helps us to understand the Word of God. All who want to understand the Bible should appreciate that the “greatly diversified wisdom of God” can become known only through Jehovah’s channel of communication, the faithful and discreet slave.”

The Watchtower, May 1, 1992, pg. 31:

“Of course, help is needed. It is unlikely that someone who simply reads the Bible without taking advantage of divinely provided aids could discern the light. That is why Jehovah God has provided “the faithful and discreet slave,” foretold at Matthew 24:45-47. Today that “slave” is represented by the Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Jehovah communicates using the Watchtower. From the Yearbook of Jehovah’s Witnesses 1939 p 85

“It should be expected that the Lord would have a means of communicating to his people on the earth, and he has clearly shown that the magazine called The Watch Tower is used for that purpose”

“Respond to the directions of the organization as you would the voice of God.“( Watchtower 6/15/1957, p. 370)

“Let us now unmistakably identify Jehovah’s channel of communication for our day, that we may continue in his favor. Listen to the inspired answer to the situation, in Matthew 24:45-47 (NW): “Who really is the faithful and discreet slave whom his master appointed over his domestics to give them their food at the proper time? Happy is that slave if his master on arriving finds him doing so. Truly I say to you, He will appoint him over all his belongings.” And has he? Yes, particularly since 1919 has it been true that he has appointed the collective body of the anointed remnant over all the visible interests of the Kingdom. The “slave” then became responsible not only for ministering to the needs of the anointed body members but also for taking on the responsibility of preaching the good news of the established Kingdom to people of all nations. (Matt. 24:14) Such is true not by their determination of it, but because God himself has so directed. “God has set the members in the body, each one of them, just as he pleased,” is the way it is pictured in 1 Corinthians 12:18 (NW). It is vital that we appreciate this fact and respond to the directions of the “slave” as we would to the voice of God, because it is His provision.”

As a JW for 50 years, I was always taught the the Watchtower was the interpretaion of Gods word.

I was always warned against speaking against “the organization, or “the brothers”. It was the same as speaking against God or the Bible.

Deluded assholes.

A Great Blog, “Big Dick’s Place”

You can find Big Dicks Place in my pants or there is another one at http://bigdicksplace.com/.

Funny, irreverent, vulgar, demented, anti-social, sociopathic, in-your-face insults, commentary, articles and other bullshit.

Now, this is some quality blogging.

 

A Jehovah’s Witness Rant…

…for no particular reason except that they are deluded morons, they suck so I felt compelled. Hey, it’s my blog, so fuck you if you don’t like it.

Poor, deluded Jo Hos.

A ragtag little band of oddball dissenters, whose founder was clearly an apostate from another church, pop out onto the world scene and DEMAND that people follow THEM…or God will destroy them where they stand.

They have grown to (they claim as they are the only source of the numbers) nearly seven million in number, having to knock on doors to distribute Watchtower literature and to con and suck recruits into their crazy azz religion.

All the while being under the control of delusional men who can’t seem to make up their minds on what “God” requires from year to year so that they have to VOTE on their latest “new lite” from the God they worship, as he only talks to them.

If JWs were honest, they would admit that the ONLY place that anyone will EVER see any glowing reports that “the Watchtower is the only group that is approved by God and the only ones having his blessing”….is in a Watchtower publication. There IS no proof of this anywhere…EXCEPT coming down from the Watchtower presses.

Watchtower, 9/1/89 page 19:

“ONLY Jehovah’s Witnesses, those of the anointed remnant and the “great crowd,” as a united organization under the protection of the Supreme Organizer, have any Scriptural hope of surviving the impending end of this doomed system dominated by Satan the Devil.”

Delusional fuck heads.

The Bible is Wrong

Just putting key search phrases up for the spiders.

This is the right blog to come to if you think the Bible is wrong. Read some of my posts.

The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong.

The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong.

The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong.

The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong.

The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong.

The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong. The Bible is wrong.

Dicks in the Bible, Part 2.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses have a bible story book for kids, with the clever title, “My Book of Bible Stories”. When one of my grandsons was small and I was still a Jo Ho, I thought I would read him a story. So, I got the book out and went to the table of contents to see what he might like.

Here were a few of my choices:

“Giants in the Earth”. Angels come to earth because they are sexually aroused by human women and father children who become wicked giants and kill and generally are wicked.

“What’s “sexually aroused” Grandpa?” I could imagine being asked that, so I moved on.

“A Good Son and a Bad Son”. Cain murders Abel over some vegetable vs. meat thing. I don’t even understand that one. Let’s look further.

“The Great Flood” God drowns 99.99999% of the world’s population and he really isn’t very clear exactly why. They are just generally “wicked”. Drown the bastards. Mmmmn, still not real suitable for a toddler.

“Why did God drown all those people, Grandpa?” How the fuck am I supposed to know? Let’s avoid the question.

Well, moving on, we had the story of Dinah, when she has sex with this uncircumcised guy, so her brothers trick the guy, who, by the way is trying to make it right by marrying her. The brothers end up killing a lot of people, mostly men. In fact the Bible refers to it as a “town”. So, they kill the guys and take their stuff and their women.  Jacob, the father is worried that other nearby towns or here to fore unnamed ne’er do wells might get pissed and retaliates, so they move.

No “Hey, sorry for killing all those guys.” Just a “Yea, we tricked them. We got some really hot women out of the deal”. God, apparently was OK with this.  Again, I don’t get it so I chose not to read the story to my grandson.

The whole sordid tale is in your Bible at Genesis, Chapter 34.

Looking further there were many other stories, rife with sex, death, people turning into salt, the walls of cities crashing and the entire population slaughtered, guys selling their brother into slavery and other unsavory tales.

It occurred to me that the Bible is indeed an unsavory book, full of sex, violence, slaughter and suffering, most of which is caused by, directed by, ordered by or ignored by God.

We watched a Bob the Builder video instead.

But, the point is the Bible is at best “R” rated. At least as far as violence and death. Regarding sex, it approaches an “X” rating.

For examples, we have this titillating tale from Genesis 38:12-19 (ASV):

38:12 And in process of time Shua’s daughter, the wife of Judah, died; and Judah was comforted, and went up unto his sheep-shearers to Timnah, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite. 38:13 And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold, thy father-in-law goeth up to Timnah to shear his sheep. 38:14 And she put off from her the garments of her widowhood, and covered herself with her veil, and wrapped herself, and sat in the gate of Enaim, which is by the way to Timnah; for she saw that Shelah was grown up, and she was not given unto him to wife. 38:15 When Judah saw her, he thought her to be a harlot; for she had covered her face. 38:16 And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Come, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee: for he knew not that she was his daughter-in-law. And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me? 38:17 And he said, I will send thee a kid of the goats from the flock. And she said, Wilt thou give me a pledge, till thou send it? 38:18 And he said, What pledge shall I give thee? And she said, Thy signet and thy cord, and thy staff that is in thy hand. And he gave them to her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. 38:19 And she arose, and went away, and put off her veil from her, and put on the garments of her widowhood. 38:20 And Judah sent the kid of the goats by the hand of his friend the Adullamite, to receive the pledge from the woman’s hand: but he found her not. 38:21 Then he asked the men of her place, saying, Where is the prostitute, that was at Enaim by the wayside? And they said, There hath been no prostitute here. 38:22 And he returned to Judah, and said, I have not found her; and also the men of the place said, There hath been no prostitute here. 38:23 And Judah said, Let her take it to her, lest we be put to shame: behold, I sent this kid, and thou hast not found her.

Basically, Judah, an ancestor of Jesus has sex with his daughter-in-law, Tamar. I have several problems with this. First,  she planned this as when Judah was on the way to shear his sheep she covered herself so He would not recognize her.

Second, He thinks she’s is a prostitute so he decides that he would knock off a piece on the road to the  sheep shearing. Of course, they haggle over price. So, Judah offers her a “kid of the goats”. I am not sure what that is, but hey if it buys you a piece of ass, it must be a good thing. I am not sure I would try that now days. I’m sure you’d get farther with a hundred, but whatever works.

If you read on, she does this for some fucked up Hebrew reason. Really, who the fuck knows why? Apparently God has no problem with this whole scenario.

There are so many things wrong with this, on so many levels from a Biblical and Judeo/Christian viewpoint.  Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law. Judah has sex with someone not his wife. Judah thinks he’s banging a ho.

Tamar has sex with her father-in-law. Tamar has sex with someone not her husband. Tamar pretends to be a  ho.

Personally, I don’t care who anyone fucks. I don’t hold to the Judeo/Christian principals of morality, and apparently Judah didn’t either. But since this Blog is dedictated to ridiculing Bible thumpers, it’s a relevant point. 

God doesn’t seem to give a shit. No problem. So go fuck a harlot. No sweat. Don’t worry about what they say in the New Testament. The Messiah will still come through your lineage. That was apparently a big thing. As a side point, if a thousand years after I die, one of my ancestors is born with wings, a 24 inch dick and can shoot gold coins out of his ass, what do I care? Remember me? I’m fucking dead.

But apparently the “Messiah descending from you” was such a big thing that you would almost have to expect to live again, although the Old Testament says little about it.

Anyway, Judah is still dead, by the way, according to the Bible. I have not seen anything about him coming back to life on CNN, although, he is likely a conservative, and so am I, but still nary a word from Fox.

Bill O’Reilly: “This just in, Judah, the daughter-in-law fucking, sheep shearing ancient Jew of the Bible came back to life today in Jerusalem. He claims to be Jesus ancestor. Lawyers are locked in a heated legal battle over the legal rights to use the cross as a symbol, the phrases, “Jesus H. Christ”, “Christ All Mighty ”, “Jeez”, “Holy Jumping Jesus, King of the Jews” and variation, thereof”

Just like any other crazy Bible shit, it could happen. 

Hey, Judah, Good luck with your cut of the Jesus estate.

The First Post in the Series, “Dicks in the Bible”: Why Did God Give Man a Foreskin, Only to Require Him to Have it Cut Off?

Did you know that the foreskin is very similar to the skin in a person’s eyelids? In fact, in the rare instances when babies are born without eyelids, doctors will transplant the skin from the foreskin and actually make eyelids.

It works very well, except that the kid is a little cock eyed.

Anyway, good question. It seems that God made circumcision mandatory for Abraham, just before Isaac’s birth.

From the Jehovah’s Witness rag, Insight on the Scriptures, page 469

God said: “This is my covenant that you men will keep . . . Every male of yours must get circumcised.” Every male in Abraham’s household of both his descendants and dependents was included, and so Abraham, his 13-year-old son Ishmael, and all his slaves took upon themselves this “sign of the covenant.” New slaves brought in also had to be circumcised. From then on, any male of the household, slave or free, was to be circumcised the eighth day after birth. Disregard for this divine requirement was punishable by death.—Ge 17:1, 9-14, 23-27.

Those familiar with the Bible will understand all the references to circumcision. Those who are not may join my Church, “The Church of Cool Bad Stuff” and become a dues paying member. As your leader, I will now be referred to as “Your Ass-Holiness”. I will then enlighten you with the truth, but not before the check clears.

By the way, we have an immediate need for several spiritual women to assume missionary positions. Please email your application and a nude picture (for medical purposes only, get your mind out of the gutter) to: isnrblog@yahoo.com. Come on, sisters don’t be shy.

Anyway, back to the subject at “hand”, pun intended. Basically, circumcision is the removal of the prepuce, or foreskin, from the male penis. It is usually done on newborns. The Jews did it when a male child was 8 days old.

There is some evidence that circumcision may have some medical and sanitary benefits. But to the Hebrews, it was likely simply ceremonial because, if you recall from the above quote, the Bible does say that disregard for this divine requirement was punishable by death. One who was uncircumcised, was considered “unclean”, thus one who is circumcised was “clean” and what Hebrew would want to be unclean? You can’t get into Country Clubs, your kids can’t get into the good schools. You know the drill.

 Which brings up the interesting question, how would anyone know? Did they have dick inspections? I have a lot of male friends and unless we go the same club, workout and shower I have no idea who is circumcised and who isn’t. And I reeeaallly don’t care to know.  

Back to Dicks in the Bible: Here is an interesting tidbit from the Watchtower, 3/1/75, page 135:

“It is now known that there are sound physical reasons making the eighth day ideal. Not until the fifth to the seventh day after birth is a normal amount of the blood-clotting element known as “vitamin K” in the baby’s system. Another essential clotting element, prothrombin, seems to be higher on the eighth day than at any other time during a child’s life. Based on this evidence, college physician S. I. McMillen concludes: “The perfect day to perform a circumcision is the eighth day.”—None of These Diseases, pp. 22, 23.”

So of course, the Jo Ho’s jump all over this as evidence that God revealed to the Jews that infants should be circumcised on the eighth day. “How would the Jews know? Only God knew!” So, has modern science provided the deluded with a fresh reason for their faith, that circumcision was divinely prescribed to the Jews?  

From the website: http://www.scribd.com/doc/16168548/Should-Our-Baby-Be-Circumcised,

“Commenting on this, the noted Dr. Alan F. Guttmacher says:

“It is noteworthy that the early Jews, who made many interesting observations in both medicine and hygiene, fixed the operation for the eighth day. This was probably arrived at by trial and error. Not an inconsiderable number of those done before the eighth day probably bled dangerously, while those done on the eighth day rarely bled excessively. Modern medicine has found a possible explanation in Vitamin K. This vitamin . . . contributes to the process of blood-clotting. . . . At birth the level in the baby’s blood is relatively low, and it drops even lower during the first few days of life, since the child cannot manufacture its own Vitamin K until it swallows a healthy supply of germs. The baby’s intestinal tract then begins to produce its own Vitamin K, and the supply gradually rises until it reaches an adequate level when the baby is a week old.”

“Of course, Bible students will dispute one point with Dr. Guttmacher. The “many interesting observations” made by the early Jews, such as the diagnosis and treatment of disease, the importance of clean water, quarantine, the value of frequent washing and bathing, and precautionary measures in the handling of blood, cadavers, wastes, and sexual matters, including circumcision on the eighth day, were not arrived at by “trial and error,” but by divine revelation.”

OK. So. lets say some ancient Hebrew family shits in their front yard. There are flies all over the place, drawn by the shit. They notice that when they walk a distance from the house and shit, the flies go where they shit. So, they make the observation that not only do we not shit near the house, but if we dig a hole and bury it, the flies really go away.

I need God to tell me that?  Other than the fact that I would have to dodge pile of shit each morning, just to get the paper, the whole yard would smell…well, like shit. People, in general, don’t like the smell of shit. This is one of those things you just know.

The same with other “scientific revelations” I eat pork. I get sick. Some people die. We all quit eating pork. I don’t need God to tell me that either.  How many times have you gone to a restaurant and ended up puking your guts out?  When, I am hugging the toilet bowl, cursing raw oysters, I now where I ate them. I ain’t never going back there again…oh, God…bbwwwaahhhhhhh….disgusting.

The ancients were very good at observation, observing the stars, etc. They would quickly learn that the eighth day was the best dick cutting day.

As a side point, the ancient Egyptians, with reportedly no help from the God of the Bible, developed mumification techniques that modern science has yet to decipher. So much for “If it’s advanced science, it must be from God”.

But the real point is, if God told the Hebrews that the foreskin MUST be cut off, why did he put it there in the first place?  And he calls it “unclean” on top of it? Hey, God makes dicks but he can’t make them right? As long as we’re on the subject, He could have given me a little more length, but lets not quibble.

“Oh, it was to test the Hebrews faith”. Yea, well fuck you. Whose faith gets tested when you cut an eight day old kid’s dick with a flint rock? I’ve seen it done. No wonder they do it as an infant. Any older and the kid would likely knife the Rabbi’s dick back.

But back to the point that God could have made the perfect dick. But, nooooo. He choses to instead create a painful ritual in the Old Testiment that was soooo important to the Jews, but in the New Testament, He does away with it! What fucking reason was there for the whole exercise to begin with?

Again, in what universe does this whole scenario make any sense at all?

More “Dicks in the Bible” coming up. By the way, I did get an interesting email from a Sister Nicole. Are those real? I don’t really care, just asking.