Jehovah’s Witnesses, Christmas and All Things Pagan.

 

It’s December 28, 2009 and I realize that even tough it’s after Christmas, I thought I would reprint this from last year at Christmas time. Enjoy.

It’s “that time of year”. Yes, it’s the Christmas season and time for the Jo Ho’s (Jehovah’s Witnesses) to begin the annual yada yada about “Christmas is pagan in Origin” and “Jesus wasn’t even born in December”. The simple response is “shut your fucking pie holes, who gives a shit!!”, but, other “Christians” get in the act and the Holiday Tradition begins anew as deranged Bible thumpers on many sides of this issue go back and forth about the birthday of a Jesus. They hurl scriptures at each other like so many holy hand grenades, all the while oblivious to the fact that there is no historical evidence Jesus was ever born.

So begins another big fight over when their imaginary friend was born, what he really meant when He wrote “My Big Book of Unsolvable and Improbable Cosmic Riddles”, aka, the Bible and who he likes best.

Being raised a Jo Ho, I didn’t celebrate Christmas until I was 50 and now I do only because my current wife does. I have no history with the holiday and do not believe in Jesus, so it has no significance for me. The truth be known, it’s a pain in the ass. Business stops from approx. Dec 15^th and resumes around Jan 5^th. Most none retail businesses anyway. But the bills don’t stop. So thank you, pagan assholes for giving us this special time of year, which causes financial pain, family feuds and physical pain in muscles you never knew you had, due to putting up all those damn decorations. Oh, and you have to take them down in January. 

It’s interesting to watch the Jo Ho’s get all paranoid and worked up about “things of pagan origin”. Now, they are factually correct. Most of the Christmas customs can be traced to either pagan customs or to religions the Jo Ho’s disagree with, which would be all other religions, but theirs.

However, if you dig deep enough, many customs and traditions that are common place today originated in pagan worship or were adopted by pagans.

For example, wedding and engagement rings. Some scholars believe it was originally an ancient Egyptian tradition symbolizing the eternal life. Today the circle is sacred to many people, representing that which has no beginning or end, except in case of divorce. To me and many others, it represents perpetual alimony.

It is actually said at Jo Ho weddings that the ring has no beginning and no end symbolizing something, what I don’t know, as the marriage bond terminates in death, according to the Jo Ho’s. But it is definitely pagan in origin.

The wedding ring cannot be found in the Old or New Testaments. There was no practice among early Christians to wear finger rings as a sign of marriage or an engagement.  Pope Gregory 1, aka “The Jeweler”, in 860AD decreed that as a required statement of nuptial intent, the groom to be had to give his intended an engagement ring. He further decreed the ring be of gold to signify financial sacrifice. And if you were a good Catholic and bought from his store, you got 10% off. Oh, and if you didn’t buy a ring and/or were a bad Catholic, he had you killed. The guy was a marketing genius! 

Opps! Jo Ho’s do what Pope Gregory decreed!! They buy engagement and wedding rings! A decree from the leader of a religion that isn’t them!! “Pagan origin, false religion…”

The ancient pagan Romans also the used engagement and wedding rings. Originally the ring was placed on the third finger of the left hand because of a superstitious belief that a vein from this finger runs directly to the heart. Wedding rings are still placed on the third finger of the left hand by the majority of wearers. 

The early Methodists in America, followed the teachings of John Wesley that wedding rings were pagan and should not be worn. Mennonites, early Baptist in America, The original Seventh Day Adventists, most of the holiness movements, including the more devout Apostolic Pentecostals rejected wedding rings as pagan. There was a time in America when the majority of Christians did not wear jewelry of any kind including earrings and wedding rings, until a lot of Pastors bought jewelry stores and than it was OK with God.

Cutting the cake together is also a potent symbolic act. As a form of the Great Rite (I don’t exactly know what that is, but it’s something really pagan), the cake represents the feminine traits of nurturing and life-giving while the knife symbolizes the male phallus or as it is commonly known, dick, pee pee, love pistol, wedding tackle, tally-whacker, twigs and berries, meat and two veg, trouser trout, love muscle, heat seeking moisture missle and my personal favorite, the moan inducing love rocket. The pagans thought that this practice boosts the fertility wishes and solidifies the joining together of male and female energies. 

They used a knife as a symbol of a dick. Dicks as a rule are not very sharp, thus while they have many uses, the average dick is not suitable for cutting a cake.  Although I do remember an incident involving cake frosting, licking and my dick, I wouldn’t want to try cutting a cake with it. Also, eating a cake that was cut by someone’s dick tends to put a damper on the joy of the occasion.

The wedding veil is also pagan in origin and was adopted by many cultures who each gave it some religious and/or Pagan significance. Although not directly involving dicks, the origin of the veil is should no doubt repulse the Jo Ho’s but again, they ignore it.  

Bon fires also have a pagan Druidic origin. Bon fires, originally “bone” fires, were used in their pagan ceremonies but did not directly involve dicks. 

Most of the names of the Months and Day are pagan in origin, for example January is taken from the Roman God Janus. Have you ever noticed that a lot of the statues of Roman gods are naked, showing their dicks?

So while Jo Ho’s and others decry you Pagan, counterfeit Christians for celebrating a Christmas, a holiday with pagan roots they themselves continue many pagan traditions. 

I can tell you that as a Jehovah’s Witness at Jo Ho weddings, I have personally seen and participated in buying engagement and wedding rings and placing them on the third finger of the left hand of the Bride, except for my second wife, who lost three fingers on  her left hand in a bar fight and I had to put it on her pinky. I also participated in cutting the wedding cake together and my brides wore veils. I might add that these events always ended badly for me, but that’s another story. 

Also, at Jo Ho gatherings there were bon fires and I frequently used the names of the Days and Months, a practice I continue to this day. 

There are many questions that demand answers! When does all this “Pagan origin” stuff stop? Why do Jehovah’s Witnesses and others avoid, some customs of Pagan origin and embrace others? If the cutting of the wedding cake and what it symbolizes is pagan to the extreme, with sexual overtones, why don’t Jo Ho’s stop doing that?? What other pagan customs involve dicks? 

Did you know Jo Ho’s do not toast, i.e. hold a glass of something up and clink everyone else’s glass in honor of someone or something? Why? 

Jo Hos: “It’s pagan! It’s Ok to cut a cake with a dick, but we will not emulate pagans and clink glasses!! 

Funny, at one Witness wedding, the head Elder, in front of about 200 people stood and proposed a toast with a glass of wine to the bride and groom. His wife had to pull him back down and tell him “we don’t do that” 

Watchtower 1/1/68. pg 31-32:

But is that all there is to “toasting”? Why do the toasters raise their glasses, or lift their mugs and clink them together? Is it in imitation of some custom? Note what The Encyclopædia Britannica, 11th Ed., Volume 13, page 121, says: 

“The custom of drinking ‘health’ to the living is most probably derived from the ancient religious rite of drinking to the gods and the dead. The Greeks and Romans at meals poured out libations to their gods, and at ceremonial banquets drank to them and to the dead.” Then, after showing how such pagan customs survived among Scandinavian and Teutonic peoples, this reference work adds: “Intimately associated with these quasi-sacrificial drinking customs must have been the drinking to the health of living men.” 

“When most people join in a “toast” they probably do not imagine that they might be copying the custom of lifting up a libation or liquid sacrifice to pagan gods, yet that could be so. Without question, a faithful Christian would not share in an actual pagan sacrifice, realizing that “you cannot be drinking the cup of Jehovah and the cup of demons.” (1 Cor. 10:21) A mature Christian would also avoid even imitating false religious rituals. This spiritually mature course would please Jehovah. Remember, God specifically warned the Israelites against copying religious practices of the pagan nations round about them.-Lev. 19:27; 21:5.” 

“If a Christian is going to make a request for divine blessing on another, then an appropriate way to do that is through heartfelt prayer to God, not by following traditions based on pagan worship that Jehovah abhors.” 

No, but he’ll cut a wedding cake with a knife symbolizes the male tally whacker! 

How many Jo Ho’s or other “Christians” would cut a wedding cake with a knife that symbolizes a dick? Hell, they do it all the time. Why? “When most people join in a “toast” they probably do not imagine that they might be copying the custom of lifting up a libation or liquid sacrifice to pagan gods, yet that could be so.” Same with the dick/knife thing, you boneheaded assholes!

People do not know, as the pagan symbolism has long ago been forgotten. Where do you draw the line as to what modern customs with their roots in paganism offend God and which do not? I would think the dick thing is a way bigger sin than the toast thing, but what do I know? 

Shit, I think the Jo Ho’s should cut a wedding cake on Christmas with a male phallus, while hoisting a beer in honor of all things phallic.

Does the general public know that many of the Christmas customs are pagan in origin? If they do it’s only because the Jo Ho’s pound on your door, unceasingly and tell you that among other loony stuff.

If the Witnesses are so all fired up about displeasing God by celebrating a holiday with pagan roots, than STOP DOING ALL THINGS WITH PAGAN ROOTS.

OK, Jesus wasn’t born on Dec 25th. So what! The shepherds were likely indoors hoisting a few, celebrating their dicks, while wearing wedding rings on the 4th finger of the left hand

The inescapable fact is that people normally do not associate Christmas with paganism. So, what is the big deal? And why don’t Jo Ho’s simply shut up about it?

A point to ponder. Jehovah’s Witness do not celebrate birthdays because both times when a birthday is celebrated in the Bible someone righteous gets killed. I forget her name and I’m not going to look it up, but one of the incidents was where this girl danced so good at the Kings Birthday party He promised her anything she wanted. At the urging of her mother, she asked for John the Baptist’s head on a plate.

I would have gone for the veal parmesan, but it was her choice

Another reason Jo Ho’s don’t celebrate birthdays is that Jesus said that the day of ones death was better than the day of ones birth, which I totally disagree with. Death has a way of screwing up your weekend. 

Unlike when your born and you get to lay around all the time, complain loudly at the slightest irritation, eat and poop. It’s like retirement.  Than in puberty, you discover your dick and quickly learn that it has other uses than cutting cakes. You get married, have kids, who as they go through the stages of growth, screw up you life in ways you can’t imagine, wrecking financial havoc on you every inch of the way. Than they discover their dicks. Which is cool for the boy kids, but when the girl kids discover the dicks of other boy kid’s, that’s when the trouble really starts. 

And the whole situation, your life deteriorates from there. Then you die and turn to poop. And they usually dress you up in a good suit, which you turn to poop in. Mmmm, maybe Jesus was right after all.

Back to the point. The Bible does not specifically forbid the celebration of birthdays. Also a lot of things happened when good guys got killed in the Bible. I mean, they were eating and dancing at John the Baptist’s demise. Using Jo Ho logic, you should quit eating and dancing.

They were probably doing things with dicks,  too.

But the Jo Ho’s basically pull the Birthday thing out of their asses and the imagined inference morph’s into “God does not want us to celebrate birthdays.” The birthday thing, at best is a stretch and again using Jo Ho reasoning, the cake/dick thing should be easy to see as a pagan practice to be abhorred. But, every Saturday, around the world hundreds or even thousands of Jo Ho couples get married, after buying engagement and wedding rings, than placing them each others fourth finger of the left hand, cutting the wedding cake together, with the dick-knife, all the while with the brides wearing veils.
Did you know Jo Ho’s don’t eat blood? But they are allowed to eat meat. That red stuff moving around in the package of steak at the supermarket ain’t tapioca. It is not possible to get all the blood out of meat, not matter how well you drain it. So, don’t eat meat.  But they do. “Those are the meat juices”, my mother would say.

Yea, and that was a cake knife you caught me playing with in the shower.

Consistency would go along way toward helping  Jo Ho credibility.

The Bible is Wrong

Look at some of my previous posts for details.

A Christmas Story

Here is a little known Christmas story from the Bible book of Isnrblog.

Isnrblog 1:69: “And so it was that, as was the custom, religion thrust the holidays upon the helpless and unwitting people. None were spared, from the richest among them to the homeless, foreclosed upon and non credit worthy. “

2 “And the merchant Isnrblog began to lament, “As the holidays approachith, my workers work not, the malls and the market places become choked, traffic is a bitch and the continuous drone of holiday music becomes as when one puts a metal pail over his head and hits it with a hammer”

3 “And Isnrblog implored the workers, “Listen, please to my plea! I have bills to pay! The rent stoppeth not, neither taxes nor the electric bill”

4 “But alas his pleas fell upon deaf ears, “It’s the holidays” saith the workers “so fuck off!”

5 “So Isnrblog became dejected and his countenance became as a man who gave Bernie Maddoff his entire fortune.”

6 “But Isnrblog’s lament was heard and God took pity on the poor bastard. And God appeared to him and sayith “Look, Isnrblog, here I am with a gift for you, a case of Crown Royal. Now, you may slumber in a drunken stupor until the scourge of the holidays are over!”

7 “Cool!, saith Isnrblog. And so it went, Isnrblog went on a binge drunk with the God given nectar.”

8 “And his workers, upon seeing this proceeded to say among themselves, “I seems our master Isnrblog is seriously shit faced. See, God has provided us with the gift of opportunity. Let us become like the thief in the night, ransack his office and steal everything of value.”

9 “So, in the spirit of the Holidays the workers of Isnrblog made off with all his valuable stuff, including his Tiger Woods porno CD”

10 “And God proceed to pronounce Isnrblog a poor, drunken, dumb, bastard”.

11 “But Isnrblog was aroused from his drunken slumber by an incessant and loud pounding on his door. Stumbling to the door, he opened it and saith, Whaaa ddyaa want?”

12 “The man at the door was a man of legal authority, and he sayith unto Isnrblog “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. And he looks just like you”

13 “So? saith Isnrblog. The man of authority proceeded to hand Isnrblog a scroll of great importance.

14 “It’s a summons” saith the man of authority. “Remember Mary, the temp you hired last Summer? She filed a paternity suit”

15 “Shit!” sayith Isnrblog.

16 Looking on from Heaven, God smiled and sayith “Merry Christmas, you poor drunk bastard”

The Mayan Calendar, The Year 2012 and The End of the World.

So, here’s the thing.

I am at lunch with my Lawyer, Barry. He’s a great friend and Lawyer, but he is a strange little man. He’s maybe a hair over five feet tall, wears glasses as thick as the bottom of coke bottles and speaks with a German accent, even though he was born and raised in Indiana and his parents never spoke German. Go figure.

So, we get on the subject of the Mayan Calendar thing and Barry starts talking about how his son, Heinrich is kind of freaked out about 2012 and the end of the world.

“How come the Mayan calendar ends in 2012” Heinrich asked Barry the other night. I Imagine that little Heiny no doubt had that wide eyed look of anticipation in his eyes, you know the one the kids get when they ask Dad, the all knowing hero in their eyes, those really important life and death type questions?

 As a side point, while there is a point in a kid’s life when his hero is Dad, he thinks Dad is all knowing, can beat up Superman and is the best Dad in the world. However it has been my observation that Dad’s Hero status dissipates quickly after a few answers like: “Go ask your mother”, “How the hell should I know” and “Jesus Christ, do you have to talk while the (game, CSI, American Idol or my favorite porn video) is on TV?”

I was determined that when I had kids, I would remain their Hero as long as possible. With my Son, surprisingly, I was able to really extend my Hero status in his eyes, simply by being more of a friend than an authority figure and answering questions honestly. He still thinks I am the strongest guy in the world, he tells everybody that I can kick their ass and I read him a story every night before he goes to sleep. 

The problem is that he is now 31 and doing 2 to 5 in the State Pen for beating up two 5 year olds who disagreed with him and throwing them off a bridge. You simply can’t win at this parent thing.

But, back to Barry and Heiny. So, Heinrich is freaked about 2012 and he asks Barry, “How come the Mayan calendar ends in 2012”

So Barry stops for a minute and says, “Maybe they just quit”. We both busted out laughing. Barry about fell out of his booster seat.

So Barry continues “Maybe the guy writing the calendar was at 2012 and his pal runs up to him and says, Hey, Guacamole, let’s go! They’re about to sacrifice those three virgins!  So, Guacamole drops his pen and runs off to see the naked chicks get sacrificed and while he’s gone the Mayan Congress, in a cost cutting measure, eliminates the whole Calendar Department.”

I mean, it was like 1,000 BC and they were 3,000 years into the future. It looked an awful lot like a pork project. I bet they also cut midnight Jai Lai.

So, Barry asks me what I think.

Honestly, I had not paid much attention to the Mayan, 2012, end of the world thing. I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness and after they cried wolf by predicting the end of the world seven times in the 20^th Century and here it is 9 years into the 21^st Century, I am a little immune to “end of the world” stuff. Jehovah’s Witness predicted the end of the world in 1914, the end of WW1, 1925, in the 1930’s when they said “Millions Now Living Will Never Die”, 1975, before the 1914 generation died off and before the end of the 20^th Century.

The Mayans ain’t got nothin’ on the Jo Ho’s.

So I said “I don’t have a clue.” Which was true, as I had not actually looked into it. So Barry takes his IPhone and the calendar goes to January, 2013. So, who are you going to trust, the Mayans or Steve Jobs, since the IPhone goes beyond 2012? So we made a few more jokes about the big titted Mayan chicks and moved on to important subjects, like how stupid Obama is.

So, when I got back to my computer, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to do a little research.

Now, you really have to want to know about this Mayan, 2012, End of the World thing, because there is a ton of bullshit you have to wade thru to even begin to understand it.

This whole loony notion, which has a whole of moving parts and as many interpretations as it does interpreters,  references Nostradamus, Hitler, the Egyptians, Hinduism, the Age Of Aquarius, The Masons, tsunamis, Solar Flares, The Biblical Apocalypse, nuclear war, asteroids and Nancy Pelosi, just for starters.  

I’ll summarize as best I can: The Mayan Calendar ends in December of 2012 and a lot of people have a lot of predictions as to what will actually happen. These range from nothing to the total destruction of the universe as we know it.

There are several over the top loony things that stand out even in this crazy ass collection of stupid shit.

For example, The Masons. Who in the fuck are the Masons? I mean I know guys who wear the rings, like my banker and insurance guy. Since neither of these guys could lay a straight line of block or brick (remember, masons work with stone) than just what the hell do these “Masons” do?

Again to summarize: In the Renaissance, masons built the big stone cathedrals of Europe. Word up is that they developed this huge, mysterious, allegedly conspiratorial secret society that still exists today. And surprisingly they called their secret society “The Masons”. Well, there goes one big secret. Early on, everyone knew who they were. If they really wanted to keep it a secret, they could have called it the “Secret Order of Blacksmiths” , “The Cub Scouts” or “Three Dog Night”.

Here’s the masons, in a bar, binge drinking after a long day of Cathedral building. “Hey” says one of them “I know! Let’s form a Secret Society!”

They all mutter in agreement “Let’s call it…the …the…I got it…The Masons! It’ll be our secret! No one will ever guess it’s us masons!”

“Here, Here” They all agree, raising wooden mugs of Grog. “Hey Bob, can you lend me your mason hammer and some mason bricks so I can finish the mason work on the Cathedral. I’m behind schedule and the Cardinal says he’ll marry my seven year old son if I don’t finish on time”

So, you have a bunch of guys, basically brick layers who form this Secret Society. In all fairness, they were a little more skilled than that, but save for a few Cathedrals, bridges etc, there really wasn’t much of a demand for ornate artistic stone work.

But these guys are said to be a perennial society who had some kind of secret knowledge that was so important it had to be passed down to, I guess us or someone at sometime, somewhere….I guess…whatever.  Anyway, to do this they created this body of temples with these cryptic secrets in the stone work. Guess what? We still don’t have a fucking clue what this big secret is. I am beginning to think the big secret was “Hey, let’s really fuck with future assholes by leaving random meaningless clues and starting a rumor that there is this big secret when really there isn’t one and we’re just fucking with them!”

Some putz also says that ancient Free Masons were watching some kind of large pattern or cycle and the Masons are still watching this today. It’s some Galactic alignment cycle that happens every 26,000 years. Putz also says the Masons are linked to history’s grand moments and illustrious traditions, none of which of course he identifies.

Some other Masonic watcher says they are a Secret Society of Builders who were trying to mold the course of Human events. They even planned the founding of the United States. Is was all a Masonic Plot. Along with UFO’s, bigfoot and crop circles. Although I have always thought crop circles were actually big advertisements for Target stores but I have no real proof.

So, a Secret Society of Builders?? Builders?26,000 year galactic alignment cycle?? Builders?? Today, Insurance Guys, Realtors and Bankers? Oh, and a used car salesman? I mean, you have to have some smarts to be a builder, but I find it hard to believe that stone workers during the Renaissance discovered this “knowledge” of the greatest importance and even understood a 26,000 year galactic cycle and the guy I bought my Toyota from is watching for this galactic alignment cycle. Maybe on his big screen on the Sci Fi channel between beers.

But, hey if I wake up one night and some hooded guys in monk outfits, carrying candles are around my bed, I could be wrong here.

Another big link to the Mayan/2012/End of the World Thing is Nostradamus. We all know something about this guy. He wrote cryptic prophesies that some say have come true. Like about Hitler and stuff. Actually, most of his prophesies about disasters are remarkably close to the events of my first marriage, but I digress.

It’s a stretch, akin to believing in religion, in order to believe the Nostradamus thing. For example he refers to a real bad person coming from Germany named Hister.

“Wow” say the Nostra-tards. “This obviously means Hitler”!!

Hey, if old Nostro is so fucking smart, why didn’t he say Hitler? He said Hister. Jesus, the fucking check out girl at 7/11 is smart enough not to take a credit card that says Mr. Hitler, from a guy who’s drivers license says Mr. Hister.

The old woman who lived behind us was from Germany and her real name was Hister. Of course we called her Hitler, which pissed her off, but she did some nasty shit. She was always complaining about something or other and if your ball went in her yard, forget it. That bitch would keep it.  When I formed my first garage band, we couldn’t even practice in my garage because the noise gave her headaches. Bitch.

And I swear she had an oven in her backyard where she burned Jews. Oh, she said it was a “kiln” for pottery, but we knew better. One time this kid, Jerry Rothestein just quit coming around one day. We thought for years that she killed him and burned him in the “kiln”.

Some years later we learned that he and his widowed mother had suddenly moved to Philidelphia where she married a Rabbi. Go figure.

Aside for “Hister”. Nostro talks about  “Mabus”, who many think is really Sadam  Hussien. Now this is plain bullshit. If you rearrange the letters of Mabus, they spell Sadam. Again, if Nostro was so smart, why didn’t he say Sadam? Also, if you rearrange the letters of Mabus, they spell “Baums”. You have Baums Sporting Goods, Baum’s Dance, Baum’s Music, hell there are a lot of Baums. Google Baums.

Also, Baums is pronounced like Bombs..destruction…death…mayhem….all Nostro themes. We could twist this shit all day.

I think the real hidden meaning is in Nostro’s name: Nostra-dumb-ass. Fucking morons.

The upshot is that if people keep saying the world will end, likely at some point someone will be correct. So, do I think the world will end in 2012? I seriously doubt it. Like I’ve said, I lived most of my life as a Jehovah’s Witness and the World was always ending on some date or time frame.

Probably the most relevant writings on the 2012 thing are in this article by Peter Siris in the New York Daily News:

“ If world does not end in ‘2012′, planning for retirement gets complicated”

http://ww           w.nydailynews.com/money/investing/2009/12/07/2009-12-07_if_world_does_not_end_in_2012_planning_for_retire2ment_gets_complicated.html#ixzz0ZV9Ri81i

Allow me to point out that many Jehovah’s Witnesses, believing the Watchtower Society’s bullshit about the world ending, paid no attention to retirement. This is the shit the Watchtower Society was spewing:

From “Our Kingdom Ministry”, May 1974, page 3:

“Yes, since the summer of 1973 there have been new peaks in pioneers every month. Now there are 20,394 regular and special pioneers in the United States, an all-time peak. That is 5,190 more than there were in February 1973! A 34-percent increase! Does that not warm our hearts? Reports are heard of brothers selling their homes and property and planning to finish out the rest of their days in this old system in the pioneer service. Certainly this is a fine way to spend the short time remaining before the wicked world’s end.—1 John 2:17.”

“What, you sold your house, quit your job, sold your stocks, quit college? Hey, who told you to do that?” So, now many in their 70’s are working at Burger King.

So, if you believe the world is ending in 2012, quit work, sell your house and party hardy.

Asshole, you’ll get what you deserve, either way.

More Loony Bible Bullshit

At the end of this post is the Biblical Creation account from Genesis, from the King James Version of the Bible. You really should read it all, if you are interested in understanding this point. I am going to focus on just a few verses, but it’s there for your reference.

Here’s the thing. Right off the bat, right from the get go, the Bible shoots itself in the foot. Just look at the sequence in Genesis chapter one, describing creation.

Bible believers and non believers are all over the map on this account, to the point of making outrageous and improvable claims.

Now, there is something new. People arguing over the interpretation of the Bible.  Say it ain’t so!

Let me make one slightly off topic observation before I proceed. People like to make the statement that “It would be impossible for God to create the Earth in 7 days!” Really? I would think that a being(s) capable of creating the earth, sun, moon, stars and the rest of the universe could create it as fast as he wanted. What makes it impossible? In the context of the Bible it’s perfectly logical and possible.

Can a 7 foot tall, fur covered alien fly a space ship? Can a space station destroy a planet? Can there exist a “force” in the universe that connects all things? Can a three foot tall, green 800 year old being be a combat master and a pretty agile sword fighter? Can a normal guy make it to 40 and still be a virgin? In the context of the movies, it all makes perfect sense.

The point is, if you’re going to make up fantastic, improvable bullshit, the sky is the limit. So, if you buy that theory that God or some intelligence created all this, the time it took seems kind of irrelevant compared to the feat of creation itself, don’t ‘ya think? Incidentally, personally I have concluded that the universe is a result of intelligent design. I can’t prove it was and you can’t prove it wasn’t. I don’t claim to know how it was done. I don’t have a clue. However, the point of this post is that the Bible’s account of creation makes little sense and when some of these Bible believers get to “explaining” it, the weird shit they come up with makes it even more loony. 

First the “facts”. Not real provable facts, but “What does the Bible actually say”? I am going to focus on the part where God creates light, the sun, moon and stars. Here’s the basic sequence, by day number:                      

1-      Light and the division between day and night – Gen. 1:3 – 5

2-      Expanse, or a division between waters

   beneath the expanse and waters above it – Gen. 1:6 – 8

3-      Dry land; vegetation – Gen. 1:9 – 13                     

4-      Sun, Moon and Stars – Gen. 1:14 – 19

5-      Fish, aquatic animals and flying creatures – Gen. 1:20 – 23

6-      Land animals and man – Gen. 1:24 – 31

7-      God rested

So, notice he creates light first, Day 1 and then the Sun, Moon and stars, Day 4. So the logical question is where did the light come from on Day 1?

Some of the Bible delusionary will say “Well, Genesis 1:1 says “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth”, so the Sun, Moon and Stars are in the Heavens so the light must have come from them.

Then why does Gen. 1:16 say: “And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: [he made] the stars also.”

Here is how Jehovah’s Witnesses and some others reconcile this statement:

From “Insight on the Scriptures”, vol. 1, pages 527-528

“The divine will concerning luminaries was accomplished on Day Four, it being stated: “God proceeded to make the two great luminaries, the greater luminary for dominating the day and the lesser luminary for dominating the night, and also the stars. Thus God put them in the expanse of the heavens to shine upon the earth, and to dominate by day and by night and to make a division between the light and the darkness.” (Ge 1:16-18) In view of the description of these luminaries, the greater luminary was quite apparently the sun and the lesser luminary the moon, though the sun and moon are not specifically named in the Bible until after its account of the Flood of Noah’s day.—Ge 15:12; 37:9.”

“Previously, on the first “day,” the expression “Let light come to be” was used. The Hebrew word there used for “light” is ’ohr, meaning light in a general sense. But on the fourth “day,” the Hebrew word changes to ma·’ohr´, which refers to a luminary or source of light. (Ge 1:14) So, on the first “day” diffused light evidently penetrated the swaddling bands, (the Jo Ho’s teach that there was a big cloud around the earth. That’s where the water for Noah’s flood came from.) but the sources of that light could not have been seen by an earthly observer. Now, on the fourth “day,” things evidently changed.”

“It is also noteworthy that at Genesis 1:16 the Hebrew verb ba·ra’´, meaning “create,” is not used. Instead, the Hebrew verb ‛a·sah´, meaning “make,” is employed. Since the sun, moon, and stars are included in “the heavens” mentioned in Genesis 1:1, they were created long before Day Four. On the fourth day God proceeded to “make” these celestial bodies occupy a new relationship toward earth’s surface and the expanse above it. When it is said, “God put them in the expanse of the heavens to shine upon the earth,” this would indicate that they now became discernible from the surface of the earth, as though they were in the expanse. Also, the luminaries were to “serve as signs and for seasons and for days and years,” thus later providing guidance for man in various ways.—Ge 1:14.”

What? So to summarize the Jo Ho contortion of this:

1-    The Sun, Moon and Stars were already created on Day 4, because vs. 1 says “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth”. That included the Sun, Moon and Stars. It doesn’t say that, but Jo Ho’s say that.

2-    So when on Day 1, God said “Let there be light”, the “light” that came from the already created Sun, Moon and Stars.

3-    Even thought the Bible says, in vs. 16 that God “made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: [he made] the stars also.” He didn’t really “create” them. He simply moved them. The quote from the above Jo Ho bullshit: “On the fourth day God proceeded to “make” these celestial bodies occupy a new relationship toward earth’s surface and the expanse above it.”

4-    Did he move all the stars, too?

Notice some of the phraseology they use to explain this: “Now, on the fourth “day,” things evidently changed.” So, again Jo Ho’s go beyond what’s written and refer to things that evidently are only evident to them.

Just think and reason for a second on the sequence of things. Vs. 2 says the earth was dark. In vs. 3, God says let there be light. Then He goes on to say let the day be separated from the night. How does that happen? The earth revolves on its axis every 24 hours, close to the Sun for there to be a day and night. But the Jo Ho’s say the Sun was not in position.

So, God made the Earth, Sun, Moon and Stars before vs. 1, and moved the Sun and Moon into position on Day 4. The contention is made that “the Hebrew verb ‛a·sah´, meaning “make,” is employed” not the Hebrew verb ba·ra’´, meaning “create,”. So the difference between make and create is what?

To the Witnesses it means God simply moved the already created Sun and Moon into position.

But look how various Bibles render Gen. 1:16.

The King James Version:

“And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: [he made] the stars also.”

The American Standard Version:

“And God made the two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also”

New American Standard Bible:

“God made the two great lights, the ^(X)greater light to govern the day, and the lesser light to govern the night; He made ^(Y)the stars also.

The  New International Version:

“God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

English Standard Version:

“And God kmade the two great lights—the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night—and the stars.”

You would think if somebody other than the Witnesses thought God “moved” the Sun and Moon, they would say “moved” instead of made. Notice that you have to believe a series of “evidently’s” for the Jo Ho version to be correct.

The point is, look at the creation sequence for any Bible you like. It makes no sense. I don’t give a shit that “the Hebrew verb ‛a·sah´, meaning “make,” is employed” not the Hebrew verb ba·ra’´, meaning “create,”. The Jo Ho’s draw the ridicules conclusion that “God proceeded to “make” these celestial bodies occupy a new relationship toward earth’s surface and the expanse above it.” None of the Bibles I have read says that. If that is what it means, than I would expect other Bibles to say “So God moved the Sun and Moon on the Day Four. They all say God “made” the Sun, Moon and Stars on day 4.

But, in the big scheme of things, the Genesis creation account has many inexplicable problems. Read it and see for yourself. The Jo Ho’s and others like to say that the Hebrew means this and that and in order to understand the Bible you have to have the “flavor” of the original language.

Well, ain’t that just great. Since most Christians barely read English, how can “getting the flavor of the original language” be a requirement to understand the Book God wants us all to understand, as it leads to our everlasting salvation? It conveniently allows for and in fact creates the need for a “scholarly” or “clergy” class who we trust. These guys assume leadership and translate the flavor of the original language to us. Even though there are as many interpretations as there are “experts” and “scholars”, all Christians pick their trusted expert and base their remedial understanding of the Bible what their leaders say. Thus Christians create the many organized religions.

Here are a few random loony things Bible assholes throw around. We have the “light year” controversy, where if God created the Earth, Sun, Moon and Stars in 6 days and man has been on the earth for approx. 6,000 years (that has some merit, using Bible chronology), we couldn’t see any stars farther than 6,000 light years away. Now the measurement of light years is pretty solid science and we can see stars that are a million or more light years away. So if God created the stars 6,000 years ago, every night or so, new stars would become visible as their light reached earth.

Since that doesn’t happen, some assholes say that the speed of light must be faster than 186,000 miles per second. Seriously, no bullshit. They have some great speculative scientific theories to back this up…maybe. Honestly, who in the hell knows. But what sense does that make? If new stars appeared every night, wouldn’t that be some very compelling information that might give the Bible’s account some credence? Sure, but hey God, be it He/She/It or Them have proved that it’s really easy to fuck with us. If the universe was a cable TV system, we would be the asshole channel.

God(s) would come home from the office or whatever and gather around the really big screen and laugh their asses off watching the latest crazy ass shit those humans have done.

“Man look how bad we fucked with them when we gave them all those screwed up Holy Books!  Shit, they can’t even read! It was a great idea to make them stupid. Look which human they elected President! What idiots! This is some funny shit. “

“Hey, let’s get some really hot females to screw Tiger Woods. That ought to be good for some laughs! I love it when they fuck and everyone acts all indignant and stuff, when they all do it! They all worry about what the children will think. Shit, after the adult humans get done fucking with the heads of the kids, they can’t think!”

Oh yea, and some other asshole says that six thousand years ago, when God created the Earth, he simply caused the light to reach the Earth so that it looks like light coming from those stars. Those stars are there and their light is coming, but in the meantime we have the fake light from God.

The Bible is full of shit and the more you try to explain it or state what is “evident” the more you look like an asshole. I pick on the fucked up  Jehovah’s Witnesses because that is my life’s experience. All you other religious assholes are…well….assholes too.  

The Creation account from the King James Version of the Bible

Genesis, chapter 1:

¹ In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

²And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness [was] upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

³And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

⁴And God saw the light, that [it was] good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

⁵And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

⁶And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

⁷And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which [were] under the firmament from the waters which [were] above the firmament: and it was so.

⁸And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

⁹And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry [land] appear: and it was so.

¹⁰And God called the dry [land] Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that [it was] good.

¹¹And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, [and] the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed [is] in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

¹²And the earth brought forth grass, [and] herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed [was] in itself, after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good.

¹³And the evening and the morning were the third day.

¹⁴And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

¹⁵And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

¹⁶And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: [he made] the stars also.

¹⁷And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

¹⁸And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that [it was] good.

¹⁹And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

²⁰And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl [that] may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

²¹And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good.

²²And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

²³And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

²⁴And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

²⁵And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good.

²⁶And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

²⁷So God created man in his [own] image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

²⁸And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

²⁹And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

³⁰And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein [there is] life, [I have given] every green herb for meat: and it was so.

³¹And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, [it was] very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Tiger Woods Jokes, and Who’s Fucking Who?

Ok, so now the number of women Tiger Woods has fucked is up to 10. I’m saying He’s probably played all 18 ho’s.  Maybe 36. I wonder what his strokes per hole were?

-This company now is offering a new type of golf clubs and they guarantee you can beat Tiger Woods with them.

-What’s the difference between an SUV and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards

-How could Tiger cheat on his wife?  She is a Swedish model, who is a perfect 19.  That’s a ten with a nine iron.

-Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Yuk, yuk, Ha Ha. Laughs at Tigers expense. Let’s all laugh it up. Actually, I have mixed feelings on this whole Tiger thing.

I don’t really care who Tiger fucks. Does it surprise anyone that a young, fabulously rich, good looking guy like Tiger has hot women throwing themselves at his feet? It shouldn’t.

The American public is one big collective asshole. We go nuts over this story, salivating at the next salacious tidbit that may emerge from the throngs of “news” reporters camped as close as they can to Tiger’s house.

“Breaking news!! A blonde woman was taken by ambulance from Tiger Wood’s house this morning!! What could it mean? Who was it? Who could it have been? We’ll tell you as soon as we know!! We’re Action News, on top of the news with all the news you want to know.”

Hey, fuck head, who gives a shit? Leave the guy alone. But the news assholes are empowered by the asshole viewing public, because the American public, in fact, does want to know. Pathetic.

On the other hand, if we hear one word of complaint from Tiger Woods about all this attention, the jokes and sponsors dropping him, I have one thing to say:

You fucked up, jerk off. Don’t be crying to anyone. Who in their right mind would think that nothing would come from having sex with 10 or more women who are not your wife? What were you thinking?

Likely, Tiger is going to have to pay his wife hundreds of his millions of dollars, should she divorce him. Who knows if that is going to happen?  That’s between them. She is the injured party and should do whatever she feels is in the best interest of the children and her. Screw Tiger. He evidently didn’t care how his screwing around would affect his family.

But the real upshot is that the American public is more concerned with Tiger’s shenanigans than with say, Obama’s budget busting, socialist health care plan. Or the obvious fact that the Global Warming assholes and their reigning King, Al Gore are full of shit, manipulating data and trying to force the world into another budget buster, in the name of “saving the planet”.

Gee, I remember in the 1970’s that we were going to have another Ice Age due to man’s polluting the environment. I guess that’s the old “inconvenient truth”.

I like Tiger and he is a great golfer, perhaps the greatest that ever lived. He should still play golf and finish his record breaking career.

Tiger, just fix this and move on.

To everyone else, pay attention to our socialist President and his co-conspirators, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the liberal assholes and stop them from ruining our country.

Don’t worry about who Tiger is fucking. Worry about who is fucking you.

Thomas Jefferson was not a Christian

Here are some thoughts on Thomas Jefferson, from “THOMAS JEFFERSON ON CHRISTIANITY & RELIGION”, Compiled by Jim Walker

http://nobeliefs.com/jefferson.htm

In spite of right-wing Christian attempts to rewrite history to make Jefferson into a Christian, little about his philosophy resembles that of Christianity. Although Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence wrote of the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God, there exists nothing in the Declaration about Christianity.

Although Jefferson believed in a Creator, his concept of it resembled that of the god of deism (the term “Nature’s God” used by deists of the time). With his scientific bent, Jefferson sought to organize his thoughts on religion. He rejected the superstitions and mysticism of Christianity and even went so far as to edit the gospels, removing the miracles and mysticism of Jesus (see The Jefferson Bible) leaving only what he deemed the correct moral philosophy of Jesus.

Here are some Jefferson quotes, leaving no doubt about how he felt about Christianity:

Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity.

-Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782

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But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

-Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782

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What is it men cannot be made to believe!

-Thomas Jefferson to Richard Henry Lee, April 22, 1786. (on the British regarding America, but quoted here for its universal appeal.)

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Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because if there be one he must approve of the homage of reason more than that of blindfolded fear.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Peter Carr, August 10, 1787

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Where the preamble declares, that coercion is a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, an amendment was proposed by inserting “Jesus Christ,” so that it would read “A departure from the plan of Jesus Christ, the holy author of our religion;” the insertion was rejected by the great majority, in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohammedan, the Hindoo and Infidel of every denomination.

-Thomas Jefferson, Autobiography, in reference to the Virginia Act for Religious Freedom

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I concur with you strictly in your opinion of the comparative merits of atheism and demonism, and really see nothing but the latter in the being worshipped by many who think themselves Christians.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Richard Price, Jan. 8, 1789 (Richard Price had written to TJ on Oct. 26. about the harm done by religion and wrote “Would not Society be better without Such religions? Is Atheism less pernicious than Demonism?”)

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I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Francis Hopkinson, March 13, 1789

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They [the clergy] believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly; for I have sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. But this is all they have to fear from me: and enough, too, in their opinion.

-Thomas Jefferson to Dr. Benjamin Rush, Sept. 23, 1800

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Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a wall of separation between church and State.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT., Jan. 1, 1802

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History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes.

-Thomas Jefferson to Alexander von Humboldt, Dec. 6, 1813.

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The whole history of these books [the Gospels] is so defective and doubtful that it seems vain to attempt minute enquiry into it: and such tricks have been played with their text, and with the texts of other books relating to them, that we have a right, from that cause, to entertain much doubt what parts of them are genuine. In the New Testament there is internal evidence that parts of it have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds. It is as easy to separate those parts, as to pick out diamonds from dunghills.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to John Adams, January 24, 1814

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Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Dr. Thomas Cooper, February 10, 1814

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In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own.

-Thomas Jefferson, letter to Horatio G. Spafford, March 17, 1814

 

The Bible Lies

The Bible lies. On second thought, I don’t know if that is an accurate statement.

The Bible is a collective lie, if you define a lie as being untrue. However to say it proactively lies is another thing altogether. That statement implies a vast “biblical conspiracy”, which is possible, but unlikely.

There is an interesting book  The Passover Plot published in 1965 by British Biblical scholar Hugh J. Schonfield.  Schonfield  also published a translation of the New Testament informed with a Jewish perspective.

According to Schonfield’s analysis, the events of the Passover, which are presented in all the Gospels, but inconsistently, are most accurately presented in the Gospel of John. His reading of that Gospel convinced him that John’s account, though probably filtered through an assistant and transcription in John’s old age, suggests that Jesus had planned everything. Among other things, so that he would not be on the cross for more than a few hours before the Sabbath arrived when it was required by law that Jews be taken down, so that one of his supporters, who was on hand, would give him water (to quench his thirst) that was actually laced with a drug to make him unconscious, and so that Joseph of Arimathea, a well-connected supporter, would collect him off the cross while still alive (but appearing dead) so that he could be secretly nursed back to health. Schonfield suggests that the plan went awry because of a soldier’s actions with a spear. Schonfield gives evidence of a high ranking member of the Sanhedrin who was one of Jesus’ followers, likely the Beloved Disciple who is otherwise obscure, and notes several instances in which knowledge of or access to the Temple was available to one or more of Jesus’ followers. He identifies this follower as John, the source of the Gospel many decades later whilst living in Asia Minor. He suggests that this Apostle, and Joseph of Arimathea, were responsible for events following the Crucifixion, and that it might have been this Apostle (an ‘undercover Disciple’, as it were) who was seen (by those who did not know him) at the Tomb on the morning of the Resurrection.

Interesting stuff, to say the least. However, while certainly compelling, Schonfield’s book covers only a small part of the Bible, with its conspiracy theory.

There are so many other issues with the Bible that are improvable, illogical and down right loony.

So, better said the Bible is a book of myths, which are essentially…..well, lies.

Did God write the Bible? Unlikely. Did a group of men, throughout the ages, plan the Bible and write it to mislead mankind, or at least the Christian portion?

Who the hell knows? But that scenario is unlikely to the point of being preposterous .

Still and all, the Bible is bullshit. The Bible lies.

 

Jehovah’ Witnesses and the Year 1914

I had to be out of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for a while to realize how they have been really obsessed with dates. I was born a Witness, in 1951, and all during my life the Armageddon “Sword of Damocles”,  was hanging over my head.  This created such a sense of urgency, fear and expectation that it kept me up at night as a child. Couple that with the threat of the Russians and the Atomic Bomb, (yes, I remember the “Duck and Cover” movies in school) and I had some serious nightmares. Somehow I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that my school desk was an atomic bomb proof device and would shield me from temperatures hotter than the surface of the sun

But as my pre pubescent mind wrestled with all the images these “horrors” can conger up in the fertile mind of an imaginative third grader, apparently it had little real effect on me. I played baseball, hated school and watched TV. Oh, yes I forgot about the Witness part. I was forced to go to meetings on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday and my Father, Elder Hitler and mother, Sister Two Faced kept me on a tight leash and drilled “the truth” into me. I read the Bible everyday and all the other Jo Ho bullshit literature. I actually liked to read and I liked to read the Bible. Go figure.

For my entire life, the year 1914 was central to Jo Ho doctrine. The history if the derivation of that date is amusing if not downright loony.

In the late 1800’s, Charles Russell, the first Watchtower president, predicted first the year 1874 than the year 1914 as the year when Christ returned and Jesus kingdom would be established on earth.

Coincidentally, WW1 started in 1914, so the Jo Ho’s lay claim to predicting that, which they did not. What they actually predicted was Christ’s return and the restoration of His kingdom in 1914:

“”In view of this strong Bible evidence concerning the Times of the Gentiles, we consider it an established truth that the final end of the kingdoms of this world, and the full establishment of the Kingdom of God, will be accomplished by the end of 1914.”

From “The Time is at Hand”, 1902 edition, p. 99. This same statement was contained in the 1908 edition of the same book. I have a copy of the 1908 edition and it says exactly that.

If you look at Jo Ho publications prior to 1914 they focus on Jesus return, Armageddon, where God destroys the non believers and the reestablishment of God’s kingdom. After 1914, they crow about how they said it was a significant year, bending the facts a bit to taking credit for predicting WW1.

“We said that starting in 1914 the world would enter  period of great distress” they say, post 1914, to which I say bullshit. You assholes predicted the opposite, the end of the World and the reestablishment of Christ’s kingdom.

Incidentally, they first “predicted Christ would return in 1874 and then changed it. But back to 1914.

The incredible fact is that Russell actually used the dimensions of the Great Pyramid in Egypt to predict this date.  Russell was a Pyramidologist. Pyramidologists use elaborate measurements to discover hidden codes built into the halls, chambers, and dimensions of the Great Pyramid. They try to link measurement to events in Christianity in an attempt to prove that their idea of what the Bible said was literally true. Pyramidlolgy has historically been practiced by occultists, and misled Christians.

Russell did this. This is further acknowledged in The Watchtower 5/15/56, page 298

“Because none of these theories fully and satisfactorily explain the purpose of building the Great Pyramid, others have developed the hypothesis that it was built under divine inspiration; that perhaps Melchizedek was its builder and that God provided it as a witness in stone to corroborate the Bible. Such men as John Taylor of London, Professor Smyth and Dr. Edgar of Scotland advocated the theory* that the measurements of the Great Pyramid and particularly the measurements of its internal passageways and chambers, were full of Scriptural meaning.”

“Footnote: *Bible Students also held to this thought prior to 1928.”

There are in fact diagrams of the pyramids in Russell’s series of books entitled “Studies in the Scriptures” But in 1928, the new president, Whiskey Joe Rutherford began to distance himself from Russell and the pyramid thing, likely because it was just fucking loony. Like Rutherford and “Beth Salim” was not loony. Google “Beth Salim” for a laugh.

Because the year 1914 had become a center piece in what the Jehovah’s Witnesses taught something had to be done. So at some point, during Rutherford’s tenure, the basis of the year 1914 changed. It’s not clear exactly when.

 “Save 1914!!” was the Jo Ho battle cry. Of course, this was not made public, but I would imagine that there was some scrambling at the Watchtower headquarters.

The basic formula they derived starts with Jerusalem being destroyed in 607 BC, beginning the Gentile Times.  The “gentile times” or the time when God had no representative of his kingdom on earth would run for 2,520 years, from that year. 2,520 years brings us to 1914 (There is no zero year) when Jesus returned invisibly, to reestablish his kingdom in Heaven, soon to come to earth and establish his kingdom here.

How they derive the above is a convoluted, twisty-turney exercise is pounding the square peg in the round hole. Remember, with 1914 ALREADY established as a center piece in Jo Ho theology and Russell’s pyramidology thing looking loonier by the day, the Jo Ho’s needed to fix it and fix it quick.

So the above 1914 math. They gather tidbits from the all over the bible.

Here are some of the key points in Jo Ho “1914” math that make it the joke it is:

Jerusalem destroyed in 607 BC

Secular historians generally accept that Jerusalem as destroyed by the Babylonians in 586 or 587. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that it was. The only evidence that supports the 607 year is from the Bible. And it is not at all conclusive.

2,520 years, the Gentile Times:

The Jo Ho’s say that from 607 there were 2,520 years, called the Gentile Times, before God’s kingdom would be established. Just where do they get this little gem of wisdom, this part of the 1914 equation? From Daniel 7:25:

“And he will speak even words against the Most High, and he will harass continually the holy ones themselves of the Supreme One. And he will intend to change times and law, and they will be given into his hand for a time, and times and half a time”

So, “a time, and times and half a time” equals 3 and a half years. You have to assume that “times” equals 2 times. It just says “times”, plural. More than one. Bible scholars are all over the map on the meaning of this and the “Times of the Gentiles”. It could be 13 times. But for Jo Ho math to work it has to be two times.

Further, for Jo Ho math to work a “time” has to be a year. Again, there is nothing in the Bible that supports that.

A “Prophetic Year”

Perhaps one of the most preposterous elements of Jo Ho 1914 math is the “Prophetic Year”.

The Watchtower 2/1/85, page 11:

“Those Gentile Times were to be seven in number, each corresponding with a prophetic year of 360 days. On the basis of “a day for a year,” all “seven times” would total 2,520 years.”

So, while the rest of the world foolishly thinks of a year as 365 days, the Jo Ho “Prophetic Year” is 360 days. Nowhere in Jo Ho literature is there a logical argument for a “Prophetic Year” being 360 days. They just pull this out of their ass. 

Also, as a side point, they point to the many Bible passages where it mentions “a day for a year” in ref to some sort of prophesy, etc. There is not mention of the “day for a year” in connection with the Gentile Times.

In fact in Psalms 90:4 it says:  “⁴ For a thousand years are in your eyes but as yesterday when it is past,

And as a watch during the night.”

So, fit the above in you loony formula.

Further, the Bible has another time bending formula for you”

2:Peter 3:8 – 10:

⁸ However, let this one fact not be escaping YOUR notice, beloved ones, that one day is with Jehovah as a thousand years and a thousand years as one day. ⁹ Jehovah is not slow respecting his promise, as some people consider slowness, but he is patient with YOU because he does not desire any to be destroyed but desires all to attain to repentance. ¹⁰ Yet Jehovah’s day will come as a thief, in which the heavens will pass away with a hissing noise, but the elements being intensely hot will be dissolved, and earth and the works in it will be discovered.

So, no where does the Bible say that a prophetic year is 360 days, but it does say that a thousand years is like a day.

Most of you are asleep by now, and I think I have made my point.

Jo Ho’s are date obsessed and twist the math to “prove” whatever they need to prove. They claim to have predicted things, likeWW1, when they didn’t and they predict things that never happen. They predict dates based on “voodoo”, those dates become central to their doctrine  and when it becomes apparent that the “voodoo” method is pretty week, they come up with a Bible formula.

Just when did the calculation shift from the measurements of the pyramids to the Bible “jump around” formula?

The real question is why do Jo Ho’s continue to buy the excuses from the Watchtower Society when their “prophesies” blow up in their face?

The square peg fits in the round hole if you hammer it enough.

Biblical Justice: Everybody must get stoned

This is a hilarious post from the Blog “Dwindling in Unbelief” by my cyber friend Steve Wells and reposted here with his permission.

His blog is a hoot and I would encourage all to visit . Here is the link:

 http://dwindlinginunbelief.blogspot.com

 (To the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Rainy Day Woman #12 & 35“)

Well, they’ll stone you if you touch the holy things.

Whosoever toucheth the mount shall be surely put to death. Exodus 19:13

They’ll stone you if you take accursed things.

Achan … took of the accursed thing. … And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. … So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. Joshua 7:1-26

They’ll stone you if you if you curse or blaspheme.

And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:16

They’ll stone you if you’re raped and do not scream.

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

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Well, they’ll stone you if you’re an ox and gore a human.

If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned. Exodus 21:28

They’ll stone you if you marry when not a virgin.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her … and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel’s virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel’s father shall say … these are the tokens of my daughter’s virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. … But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

They’ll stone you if you worship other gods.

If there be found among you … that … hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them … Then shalt thou … tone them with stones, till they die. Deuteronomy 17:2-5

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers … thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:5-10

They’ll stone you if you disobey your Pa.

If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother … Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city … And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 21:18-21

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

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They’ll stone you if you if you’re a wizard or a witch.

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

They’ll stone you if you give Molech your kids.

Whosoever … giveth any of his seed unto Molech; he shall surely be put to death: the people of the land shall stone him with stones. Leviticus 20:2

They’ll stone you if you if you’re a sabbath breaker.

They found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day. … And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones…. And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. Numbers 15:32-56

They’ll stone you if you curse the dictator.

Thou didst blaspheme God and the king. And then carry him out, and stone him, that he may die. 1 Kings 21:10

But I would not feel so all alone. Everybody must get stoned.

Kudos, Steve. This is some funny shit!!!